Comments : Majestic Cloudburst (Etheree)

  • 12 years ago

    by L

    An etheree is an unrhymed poem consisting of 10 lines and each line has 1 more syllable than the other. So this was a great attempt. Also the last line caught my attention since it adds an extra line to the form.. so in turn this poem has 11 lines.. I would had assumed that that line should be made up of 11 syllables. However, when I counted them it gave me 12 syllables. I could be wrong on my count though.

    Also I think it will be better to separate that last line and make it stand on its own. Since that one line is your reply to the cloudburst about how it makes you feel. The poem says how the cloudburst makes you feel, what you want from it, and how you feel about it. So I feel that that last line is how you are interacting with this piece and your feelings for the rain.

    thought that's just my suggestion, I really don't have anything to critique. It's well written in my opinion, it set an image.. Specially with the use of "cascading" from the heavens. I could picture the rain falling... also the use of Torrents... it tells the reader that it's not just any type of rain is more like a storm and well, that is also stated in the title. hehe

    But my favorite line was " Bless me passionately with your grace" sounds romantic to me.

    Well done

  • 12 years ago

    by Decayed

    Oh, that's a beautiful piece... haha thought I didn't count any syllables :P

  • 12 years ago

    by Khalid M Darwish

    Great piece shaped as pyramid. Any etheree is only 10 lines.
    Line 11 is only 11 syllables as I count it.
    I agree with everlasting about separating this line. You can separate it with the stars * * * then put that line between brackets
    (I love you dear, without you life can't exist)

    I liked the flow and great imagery you put in the piece. Great work 5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    I thought it was a beautiful Etheree :) and that last last I believe may be a dedication to whoever you were thinking of when you wrote it. (if I am right just give it a few more spaces down to pull it further away from the poem. Maybe with a * before it :)
    Lostlove

  • 12 years ago

    by Jenni

    I've already realized in the club how passionate you are about nature as a whole, which I think says a lot about you so I was curious as to how your nature Etheree would turn out and I can definately say that I am not disappointed.

    It does not even feel as though this was your first attempt by how well written it is.

    "Pure
    beauty
    cascading
    from the Heavens;"
    ^ The first three verses are not only telling about something precious falling from the sky, but it feels as though it's happening there too, which is because of the form you picked. It's always nice when form and content cooperate, especially if it is done as well as here.
    I'm positive that you know that "heaven" usually isn't capitalized, but that you purposely did it to emphasize your gratefulness and admiration you share for it.

    "your torrents bring me promise."
    ^ The wording is so beautiful here but I almost feel as though torrents is too strong of a word, not the word itself, but what it means, unless my translation is wrong lol because I wouldn't necessarily call a flash flood all that positive.

    I think that you should write more of these poems because you write them very well and I enjoyed it so much!