by ilgrl Sep 16, 2012
category :
Sadness, depression /
grieving, loss
Looking up into the sky |
by Mr Universe
This is just dripping with emotion. My grandma took her life in 2001 so, though my scars have healed, I know it's a tremendous loss. I really like your use of repetition in "I know you are at peace... I know you did your best." It flowed well. I would recommend omitting the "to try and fight" as it's redundant of the past two lines. "There" not "their" in lines 3 and 6. And maybe consider revising the last five or six lines to improve flow or return to your original rhyming patter, it seems choppy as is. I'm nitpicking, sure, but only because I really like this one. Great read. |
by ilgrl
Thank you for your comments and suggestions. i've been meaning to revise it just haven't gotten around to it. I lost my original copy and had to write this by memory and I know its not how I wrote it on paper.. |
by Amreen
This is so sad and gloomy.... your emotions seemed so innocent here.... I liked the flow of the poem and you did a fantastic job dear... :) |
by ilgrl
Yes I believe they do to.. I wrote this poem for my grandma who passed away in 2008.. |
by lillie
The poem reminds me of my friend who passed away. Stay strong they watch over us. I miss her everyday |