Comments : My waters run dry

  • 12 years ago

    by Chelsey

    For some reason I didnt know where "my waters run dry" was going to go. I thought maybe this would be a nature piece and you were talking of watering a flower, but its a good expression for now being able to cry anymore.

    The sadness in the tone really jumps of the page Tony. Losing someone youve been with for so long, :/ cant imagine..My parents divorced after 23 years together and this reminded me of my moms feelings a little.

    Beautiful love poem :)

  • 12 years ago

    by Masked metaphor

    I agree with Chelsey, my waters run dry is a great expression for moving on, where your tears no longer falls.
    You have used a great range of metaphors which allow the reader to encounter this in depth pain and journey of loss and saddness with you as the emotions seep through each stanza.
    I think that in life, one of the hardest things is moving on, having that strength inside your self to still remember the ones you have lost but not let it continuously rip you apart.

    Well written dude!
    5.5 from me

  • 12 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    For the first time in ten years
    I lay with out your heart
    With out your touch
    With out your protection

    - without is just one word, so no need for the spaces. This opening is quite vague and does not give too much away about what the poem might be about and whether it will be sad or happy etc so it is a bit like you have no choice but to read on anyway lol.

    The stars seem to be banished
    From this velvet midnight sky,
    The moon it doesn't seem as beautiful
    As it did when It reflected through your eyes.

    - my suggestion here would be to remove 'it' after moon to keep the flow up. Also 'it' in the last line here is capitalised and doesn't have to be.
    - this stanza is very beautiful although it contains the feeling of loneliness it is written in a beautiful way which is easy to understand your emotion at this time. The image of seeing the moon through their eyes is very strong here, something which is clear that you miss.

    Every time your lips connected with mine
    it was like taking my last breath,yet I never
    felt so alive you were the most precious
    piece of life's puzzle.

    - I would suggest adding a comma between 'alive' and 'you' in the 3rd line here.
    - again it so so beautifully worded here and the love is strong, puzzle peices in love poetry always works for me as it is like they complete your world. Without them, your jigsaw will never ever be complete.

    I cried a thousand tears
    wished on a thousand stars
    but still our hearts remain untwined
    the rain from my eyes won't fall anymore
    but the memories will last a life time.

    - a full stop after untwined as you need to break your sentences up a bit more for the reader, this will help them to read your poem as it should be read and not have to stop and stumble to figure where to pause.
    -I adore this verse, it is my favourite from the poem, crying on a thousand stars is just really powerful and I think shows how much they mean to you.

    After all this time
    Finally,

    My waters run dry

    - I like how you left this line until the end, to finsih your poem with. I am one of those people who like seeing the title in the poem, and for this case it reall worked. It explains your title and the poem is about losing this person who clearly means the world to you, so ofcourse the tears would not stop for a long time.

    Great poem as always. Your emotions in your poetry are always very well expressed and clearly show exactly what you were letting out at the time or your thoughts behind the poem.

    Well done.

  • 12 years ago

    by Naughtymouse

    Ok i cant really say much about this piece because it's already been said lol buuuut i will say one thing, i LOVE love poetry, and everyone can write it but it takes a certain type of person to excel at it, for me , this poem excelled. Just a great sense of emotion in it and i believe that you conveyed what you wanted to in this piece.....wanna see more of this!!