Quiet Company

Three boyfriends later, I hear my walls sarcastically laugh
and tell me, "You did it again. You continue to pick men
that destroy every cell in your body, that trigger muscles
to shake, that devour your energy." I hide under covers,
but who am I kidding? They still see me, they still hear this
pathetic sobbing from a girl who is overwhelmed
with disappointment.

I literally can't say no. Two letters, one word, one syllable.
To me, it weighs as much as a steel boat and scrapes
my tongue like the drop of an anchor. It doesn't form
out of my lips. Which is what gets me in trouble. I don't
think for myself, I act on fake emotion, I surrender to those
whose lies, confusions, unstructured souls are hidden
behind armor.

For once, maybe I'll listen to this silence and hear
what she has to say in her quiet company.
She knows the real me. She surrounds my physique
daily, she holds the hand of me and my shadow, she
is the very air that I breathe. Tell me silence,
if I call out for you, will I hear an echo? Tell me,
if I decide to rely on your advice and your wisdom,
would you wreck me more, mock me most,
or encourage me?

I will wait for instructions,
because it's clear that I cannot guide myself
into an eternity of happiness.
I know I've shunned you, threatened to leave you
because the loneliness you make me feel hurts,
but I need you now because the company
of my aching heart is no longer
meant for me.