October, Already

by Poet on the Piano   Oct 4, 2012


One month

It's October already.....

Two months, three months, four still careen through.

January.

New year yet nine months are on their way.

Now one year later....

It's October again.

I had spent nearly all the money from my savings

account. Scheduled to board a plane in Detroit that was

landing in Rome. No family, just adults I didn't know as well

as I should have.

That was one year ago.

When my thoughts became aware.

When I felt like my heart grew pain to see you

and wonder if I would see your goodbye.

I never wanted to leave.

But three thousand dollars?

It wasn't something I could take back-

I had made a decision too irrationally.

Sure I wanted to go but what did I know at

seventeen?

I thought he would die and I would be oceans away,

unable to fly fast enough only in my dreams.

However, I returned, still not with the joy I had wanted

to gain....angry at myself, angry at being home and

not being called, missed by friends.

And he took on another year.

And I acted, we acted, like it was just one of those things.

Life throws endings at you, and he was accepting.

Few things changed.

Maybe some mornings he'd stay at home but I how

I wish I would have talked to him about it-

told him I still couldn't look at him and act

like he wasn't dying.

I practically grew up with him yet

why didn't I tell him everything

I dreamed of, to make him proud?

Why didn't I share my true beliefs

and listen to his and realize our lives

are like stories made to tell each

other?

October just came.

It's been 365 days (or more) since I've known.

And I don't view anything as the same......

like those deep blues I wrote about?

I can't part with blue for it's everywhere,

in the night I want to last longer so

he won't fall asleep too quickly and

I fear he won't wake up

one day.

I wish I could say things like I'm scared

but what is there to say?

Little but solitude.

I sit here and I am angry once more.

Angry I don't have the courage to go there

by myself.

Angry at....her for planning and saying ok

to another neighbor when he needs us more.

It's been two days since I set foot there,

four since he's been awake.

I don't want to have to walk away again.

I look to my right as I sink lower in this

revolving chair. I'm in a library and there are

books wheezing at my side.

Will I be like them?

The only one that seems to catch my eye,

glance toward me and taunt me is a giant

book of questions and answers.

Questions? Answers? There are none.

Not yet. Not when you're living Monday's

and in pity and hating yourself for all

you didn't say.

Not when you're here and he's there

and you don't know how to cross the

threshold.

It's October, already and I'm fresh out

of words as deep blue skies that tower

over us and call,

they call.

*
written October 1, 2012 at 8:27 pm
free write, I know this doesn't have the flow of a good poem...I guess I just wrote it more as prose. Thanks for reading!

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  • 12 years ago

    by Chelsey

    Finally Ive come back to comment because I loved this so much. What I love is that it was a free write and that it was kind of all over the place. Sometimes those poems without flow are the best ones!

    I loved the countdown in this, the sadness, the regret, the disbelief. It was like everything you were feeling for this person was laid out on the table and you didn't hold back. I really enjoy those kind of poems that don't have structure, or metaphors, just a simple rant..

    As weird as it always sounds, your sadness is beautifully displayed here Maryanne. The reader can truly get on your level when reading this and feel just as broken as you. At least I did.

    Well done :)

  • 12 years ago

    by Masked metaphor

    I love the simplicity and thinking beyond this poem. You have provided through your words a key to a door to your thoughts allowing us into your life and how quickly you feel life flows by. I love the realism behind the words allowing the reader to reflect on their own life and the quick manovouring of life from day to day and the struggles that come and go.
    I can relate well to this piece as well as many others, life is travelling at such instant speeds that we look back on a few months ago like it was so long ago and realise that so much has happened inbetween and it at times is so hard to keep up or stay in continuation with the flow.
    I love how you have captured this so well.
    Well thought out and written
    Was a great poem to read and reflect on
    5.5

  • 12 years ago

    by Masked metaphor

    I love the simplicity and thinking beyond this poem. You have provided through your words a key to a door to your thoughts allowing us into your life and how quickly you feel life flows by. I love the realism behind the words allowing the reader to reflect on their own life and the quick manovouring of life from day to day and the struggles that come and go.
    I can relate well to this piece as well as many others, life is travelling at such instant speeds that we look back on a few months ago like it was so long ago and realise that so much has happened inbetween and it at times is so hard to keep up or stay in continuation with the flow.
    I love how you have captured this so well.
    Well thought out and written
    Was a great poem to read and reflect on
    5.5