I look in her eyes and I see
I see everything
A rush of emotion
Fear
Hope?
No
Despair
What have I done
Where have I come
My pants? The floor?
I don't even know
It's all such a blur
Suddenly I'm being thrown out of her apartment
I try to apologize, I try to say anything
But my saliva feels like a sticky mess
Did I come in my own mouth?
No, of course not, it's just ner-
"HGORKUGH" I vomit onto her shoes.
"I'm sorry, really, this doesn't normally happen to me..."
I see that she's crying.
"Listen, up until... well, I had fun, I, I think? Can we see each other again some-"
She cuts me off
"See each other again!? You ate 3 chili dogs, then, then you stuck your penis in one of the buns!"
Oh
Um
That's it then, I suppose.
Suddenly I'm 14 years old again.
The doctors office.
The waiting room.
The man with the spectacles looks up from his newspaper, grimaces, and quickly looks away.
Just a routine checkup.
My mother elbows me hard in the ribs - "Stop it!"
I look down at my crotch
Oh
Funny that
I didn't notice
I'll just tuck that back inside.
My name is called, and I head in
A normal examination
I'm fat.
I'm far too fat.
I shouldn't be so fat.
I have large tits.
Men aren't supposed to have large tits.
But I have large tits.
"Um, that... also doesn't usually happen?" I stammer.
She just stands there, staring at me with red, bewildered eyes.
"To be honest I, I don't actually remember doing it."
Nothing.
"Are.. are you sure that's what happened?"
"Get out"
A sudden realization
"Listen, I, or rather, my pants, well, that is to say, there's poo. I pooed my pants. A little."
"Get out"
"with poo in my pants?"
"I don't care, get out get out GET OUT GETOUT"
I decide to do as she asked.
My mother banned all sweets from the house
Because I am too fat, you see
It didn't matter.
I mostly ate a lot of meat
She didn't care if I ate meat
It's sweets that make you fat, of course.
A year later
Another examination
I stumble out into the city, stomach full of chili, pants full of poo
Come to think of it, pants also likely full of chili
I guess that feeling isn't semen, at least.
Wandering, blindly.
I pass an alley with two homeless men.
Maybe I can live here, now.
Have them teach me their homeless ways.
Perhaps we can build a homeless home.
Make a new life on Fourth and Averton
I'd never have to worry about dating again
Who wants to date a smelly homeless guy?
But no, I had a mother to get home to.
And in any case, it probably isn't a good idea to start being homeless with crap in your pants.
My health had deteriorated further, the doctor said.
I was eating poorly, not getting enough exercise
"Well, he spends all day playing those computer games
But I took him off sweets!"
I stagger out into the road
Turn to see a bus
Finally! Sweet relief!
The bus moves forwards
Away from me
Oops.
There was a girl in high school
She was thin and wore far too much makeup
I thought she was the hottest girl to ever walk the earth
But she wouldn't talk to me
She was stuck up
A hot girl like that? Of course she was
She only wanted to talk about
Like
Dane Cook, or something
Probably
