Rusicate

Your work is so full of detail and it's in that detail that the emotion comes from. You tell stories and transport the reader there, and that's a rare gift. That last stanza is wonderful

First off, I was greatly intrigued by your title as it sounded so foreign and poetic when reading...and I did have to look up the meaning of it. Very neat, never knew it existed.

"Miles of smoke fill the air
Bones and blood is my path
Gun fire deafens the city
Bombs destroy dreams"

- I really like the opening structure in this piece, and your precise word chioce. It's not too much detail or description, but these lines really tell so much that with those few raw lines it gives off the image of these city of destruction. I liked the word "deafens"- I thought that was powerful and how you gave the images of "miles of smoke"...it seems unreal to even imagine this, but you got my mind working. What tragedy in a world of war.

"I was seven years old the world that
I new was dark full of decay and evil,
now I stand on this platform waiting,
Ready to say bye to papa ."

I felt like the flow was off here and you could improve your voice here by focusing on grammar and structure. "new" should be "knew" and you need punctuation in certain parts were you don't have have articles telling who the voice is.

"I was seven years old" add a semicolon after this because it will be a run-on sentence if you just continue. Add a comma after "dark".

I would also suggest writing out the word bye and making it goodbye. I liked the tone of papa, it seems so genuine and close to me, this relationship, but "bye" just didn't seem appropriate when you are talking about such a heavy thing to the readers.

"He hugs me close and whispers
"This is where your life begins",
He puts his old pocket watch in
my hand and forces me on to the train -

- My one suggestion here is to work on the line break in the third line. Separate "watch" and "in" because otherwise it reads as if he is putting his pocket watch in something else other than your hand. So like this maybe? Just a suggestion, it's your piece :)

"He puts his old pocket watch in my
hand, and forces me on to the train - "

- The feel in this stanza alone gave me chills, it was sincere and simply expressed yet with beauty and a deep sadness.

"With tears rapidly falling I wave goodbye
while the sound of his watch ticked in my pocket."

- I really like the uniqueness of these two lines. They stand out great together! It makes me think the watch is being personified here, that the tick really signifies a meaning of his remembrance.

"It's been sixty one years since he sent
me to America and I never forgot his face,
I owe you papa thank you
for the life you wished
you had."

- Add some punctuation in the
"I owe you papa thank you
for the life you wished
you had."

Maybe a comma after papa so the reader can follow the path you're describing here? The story here you reveal is incredible, how he sent you to America and it has been this long. Wow, how you portray time here comes alive before my eyes. The ending was brilliant though!

It reminds me of when the "New America" when parents wanted their children to have better lives, and that's why they immigrated. This is so heartbreaking, because he wasn't able to live his dream too.....

Good write, thanks for sharing Tony

Congrats on this poem T, it is very touching and I adore how you get these idea's for your poems.

I was not expecting such an emotional poem from you this time but I was shocked to learn this was yours.

The image of a young child saying goodbye at the train is just heartbreaking, to be given a little gift that will represent this special man for the rest of their life... :O ... just wow.

I loved how you made the time so long ago, as things were so different back then but then the world itself is still full of a lot of the same wars, fights, and goodbyes.

Great way to end, although sad, it was very touching to know that this little boy went on to live for his Papa in what you described as the life he never had :,(

Loved this x

I voted for this poem.

Admittedly, I could not figure out who the hell wrote it!

"Miles of smoke fill the air
Bones and blood is my path
Gun fire deafens the city
Bombs destroy dreams"

The image you present when you set up this poem made it easy for me to picture this moment in the man's life, and it's heartbreaking, but beautiful. =/

Well executed Tony =)

This is a touching and interesting poem. It started out dark, but as it progressed I felt the sadness and fear this person was going through as he set out for a new life. I like the use of "Papa" it made the poem more personal, and I like how you wrote it like a story. I feel like if the first letter of papa was capitalized the meaning would be more prominent. But that's my opinion.

A simple yet interesting story!