Comments : Asking Avery II

  • 12 years ago

    by Sylvia

    Austin, it has been a while since you posted and you came back with a GOOD one. It is simply wonderful. It flows smoothly, the message is delivered with clarity. I love the last two lines. Those two lines pull the entire poem together in that you were talking to Avery with the other lines, describing the lost love, etc., and now asking her for an explanation. Good job.

  • 12 years ago

    by nouriguess

    Hello, Austin!

    It's nice to have you back here on PnQ, your epics and presence have been dearly missed.
    : P

    I have been having a tendency for sad poetry lately, I am unable to read but those general stuff about death and breaking-ups. I find this one really melancholic and simplistic, truly well-done.
    Love the kissing goodbye and gasoline image. Burning means misshaping, means forgetting and walking on and never looking back, because when you burn something, it's forever gone. It's rather heartbreaking to pen that down.
    I love the 'finding promises amidst debris'. However, I'd find something less direct. That stanza was my favorite.

    'burning all to close and attached'
    to = too?

    'finding promises among the debris'
    No 'the' needed here.

    'opening our mind to set use free.'
    'use' = 'us'?

    Just some typos!

    I like the ending, the questioning after all that's been confessed. Such a strong way to impress the reader! Loved the way you called her all throughout the piece, makes everything so beautifully personal.

    I'm so happy I read your work again. I really am.
    Nice poem.