Rant About My Wasted Life

Standing still, not moving at all.
Wondering again where I went wrong.
What I did or what I didn't do
that brought me where I am now
and made me hate myself so much.

Looking back at my chidhood,
I can't recall a moment I would erase.
Like it or not, it has made me who I am
and that is something I should accept.
Looking back at the past, I regret everything.

I realize I haven't done one important thing
in my whole life and I'm ashamed of it.
Many tried to explore all parts of me.
Many wanted, no one was given access
to my mind and my every thought.

I keep blaming others for being this,
for being that, for lying, for cheating
for not understanding, for leaving.
And what about me? What did I do?
Let me tell you. I'm the worst of them all.

I picture myself in the living room of my new house,
sitting there thinking about how lonely I am,
looking at pictures from my teenage years,
regretting the mistakes I've made,
regretting the chances I didn't take.

I'll be an old unhappy lady whose smile fade away
right when she was told she was loved.
Love is a strong word she had always wanted to hear
but something changed with the passing of time.
Now whoever loved her was doomed.

Lost and unsure, broken and insecure.
Weak and wrinkled, silly and weird,
I was afraid no one could really comprehend
how it felt to be loved by your friend
and to be worried about how that would end.

So I retreated back to my cave and never came out again.
That's one decision I don't regret making back then.
I became anti-social, not that I wasn't already
but that's when people realized I was strange indeed.
None of them came to the conclusion I was a person in need.

I can't speak my mind most of the times
because the thoughts are way too many
to put into nice words on a blank page.
The memories are painful and the tears come easily.
The love of my life left on a Sunday morning
and my smile was taken a long time ago.

I'm not afraid to finally admit, people loved me.
I just couldn't see it back then, I was too busy
paying attention and loving someone else.
Loving someone who never really loved me back.
Loving someone who never was there for me.

People may not be as bad as I thought afterall.
That's one lesson my friend taught me.
A friend everyone would pray to have,
a friend I was once lucky to have.
The only thing I want from this world is a favor.

When I die, tell him I'm sorry and that I loved him deeply.