This year,
I knew a father who was wrong,
a father who never saw the hurt
and I sat there alone in that room,
it was raining- the moment I regretted coming this far for you,
but I was already drowining.
This year,
I learned blood doesnt always mean love,
blood can be jealous and vile...
Blood can deprive you and bite you,
and my blood could raise to the sky...
This year,
what I dreamed about for years- I saw someone leave,
I never knew would be completely gone
And I knew things would change from that moment,
I hoped it was for good,
but I'm still trying to figure that out...
And even though you left me with horrible memories that I'd never want to go back to,
I still want you to find your happiness somewhere inside that unspeakable mind...
This year,
I made a decision.
A decision that I thought would bring me happiness,
but I'm still trying to figure out exactly what you're bringing to my life...
This year,
I met depression face to face, up close and personal.
And insecurities surfaced from the profound dephs...
I learned that someone can bring out all those feelings in you,
but they can also reverse them.
I learned that once you lose yourself,
it's hard to find yourself back,
because no matter how much you try to impress him,
someone will always be better...
I spent most of this year trying to find something beautiful,
but I hate everything from my smile- to my decisions and quirks and awkwardness,
but those are things that I can't change...
This year,
I met my insecurities and they walked beside me hand in hand.
I have no confidence in absolutely anything I do.
I am ready for a new year, a new beginning,
I am ready to be my old self again,
I feel so far away from her...
And I dont ask for trends or money or a vacation,
this upcoming year I just want happiness,
I want confidence, I want the security of being myself and enjoying everything about it.
The ability to walk away from the past and live in the present,
I want to not care for people's judgements and shallow tongues,
I want to find beauty in myself.
I want the ability to know I can succeed and that I am smart enough to do what I set my mind to...
This year,
I want to learn how to love, unconditionally--
starting with number one.
