I felt like the start was powerful, the comma isn't necessary, however. Ruins the flow for me. You could drop it and the line break would make "this" more effective. The second stanza drew me in; very interesting. Gave the piece it's dark, somber tone. And then comes the final stanza which sort of ruined it for me. Cliche. I suggest you alter it? Just a few thoughts.. Really enjoyed this, though.