Jabal al Akhdar -1 (Haibun)
by Khalid M Darwish Nov 12, 2012
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Jabal al Akhdar - the Great Mountain in Libya, the fertile forest upland after a barren desert, the plumpness until satiety after thirst and the swelter, the cradle of many civilizations, lying northeast of Benghazi and south of Derna and the Mediterranean Sea. Now it became the most natural reserve, having the valley of Wadi al-Koof with dens for several types of wild animals and migrating birds. |
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12 years ago
by Amreen
Beautiful... So serene... I loved it:)
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12 years ago
Your prose is developing well. You still need a change up that compels a new perspective from the reader. Perhaps if you restate the nature reserve as being unexpected - an oasis in the uplands or something like that. Also try to reduce the wordiness.
The Haiku may have meaning for a few but it is not something most readers would understand. The idea is to capture the essence of the Moment that gave you chills so that the reader feels it too. Alternatively, it could be a wry and unexpected twist conveying an insight. Either way, it must produce some sense of surprise leading to understanding. -
12 years ago
by Mohan
I think you done very well in this challenge
good attempt khalid -
12 years ago
OK, you're going with the first one. However, you are actually telling the reader your experience rather than letting them discover it: "the old winding roads leading to and penetrating forests, the peaks and the caves of the green mountain leave unforgettable memories in their minds" and "forests entice minds."
Try
1 eliminating some of the travelogue at the beginning
2 focus on the unusual part (the fact that this place is the only one green for a huge area(?)
3 describe the transition of the journey from desert to fertile forest upland, but leave out the technicalities (500 meters, etc)
4 interleave a suggestion of something different toward the end
After that we'll tackle the haiku -
12 years ago
It seems you reach far. Try bringing it down to one attempt at first before you do a string.
Remember the most important factor: you are trying to get the reader to feel or grasp something not immediately apparent. For example, in my Haibun I wanted the reader to feel the karmic impact that a city built on forcing misery on a people (opium) had itself come under the sway of another poison (alcohol as in the smog simile).
What is your "moment?" That is the heart of your Haiku. Once you have that exquisite Moment, how do you bring the reader to the point they are ready for the Haiku? Once you have brought the reader with you, how do you construct the Haiku to pop the final burst of intuitive joy?
From your string of three Haibuns select the one that really caused you that sense of awe & let's go from there.
