Comments : Jabal al Akhdar -2 (Haibun)

  • 12 years ago

    by Darren

    Khalid, you teach me so many forms,
    I had to look this up, a combination of prose and a haiku,

    this is fantastic, the haiku compliments the prose fantastically, The last line really sums up the whole story very well.
    There is real pride in this write.

    good job.

    • 12 years ago

      by Khalid M Darwish

      Darren!!!! Thank you so much for giving me a push. I'm not and I can't be your teacher but rather you're my teacher in fact. And BTW your DAUGHTER really rocked it, hahaha. You have to be proud of her and to tell her we're waiting for her next poem.
      Thank you Darren for commenting my poem, much appreciated.

  • 12 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Add a syllable to the second line of the haiku.

    I like this prose. It develops a theme which is contrasted by the haiku. Independence rather than subjugation. The crown of the mountain is the symbol of this release from foreign control.

  • 12 years ago

    by Mohan

    Amazing written once again

  • 12 years ago

    by Amreen

    Won....der...ful...!!! Agree with darren here... You attempt forms and excel them as well... Great attempt... nominated:)

  • 12 years ago

    by Hellon

    Mmmm...well I think it's good that you have attempted this form and, I know it's not easy to do but....can I just break this down and give you my personal thoughts?

    Bayda, the Casablanca, the wettest part in Libya and the upper most region of the Green Mountain, the civilizational capital of Jabal al Akdhar District and the strategic symbol of the grandparent struggle against the Italian fascistic attack on Libya. Now it became the liaison between far east Tubruq to the western Benghazi through the Wadi al-Koof high bridge.

    This part reads to me like something you have taken from google or a tourist guide book. The part of this poem is really the 'journal'part. Notes taken down throughout the day about how you felt while being there (even if you haven't and are looking at a picture)..IMO these were someone else's thoughts...there was no excitement/emotion in your description and the most important part was, therefore missed, here. How can you go on to write a haiki from something that sounds monologue?

    The Green Mountain's tip -
    Circular chain of caves
    a crown on kings head

    Not really a lover of starting a haiki with the word the...maybe lush?

    Counting 6 syllables in line 2 and it should be 7.

    Anyway....nice that you attempted this form.

    • 12 years ago

      by Khalid M Darwish

      Hellon!!! That's totally incorrect, and I haven't taken it from google for your knowledge. For your information I've been living and visiting these places for more than three decades. I've visited the Green Mountain forests for several times and as a so special note I've many relatives in Libya living in and visiting those places. I'm looking forward to writing the 3rd part Haibun about Cyrene, that ancient part near to Bayda which I also have visited.
      Anyhow Hellon, never be encouraged just by reading the haibun without being sure of reality. Thank you for commenting.

  • 12 years ago

    by Hellon

    Well...If you read my comment again you will see that I said it 'sounded'like something from google/a guidebook. There is no emotion in your journal part of this haibun and, as this is the most important part in this type of poetry it is lacking somewhat. A journal = notes that are taken throughout the day that will lead to a perfect haiku when you have the time to write it...