Reaction from the Forest [Haibun]
by A Poets Handwriting aka ALISHA Nov 15, 2012
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The air is unsullied with city pollution. A rough darkness shelters the wildlife made by an umbrella of tall thick-trunked trees. Like embers of a flickering fire, the narrow pathway is strewn with fresh-fallen leaves, as limbs begin to undress in slow motion. An orchestra of birdsong can be heard above relaxed footsteps, and rustling in the underbrush gives belief of its refuge for small mammals. Intervals of sunlight shine through like a beacon from Heaven or an angel's descent... |
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12 years agoby NobodyKnowsItButMe
The poem starts with an impact (negative) of civilization on the nature, which is one of the reasons I'm appealed to read as well as comment.
Lively description!
"Like embers of a flickeringfire, the narrow pathway is strewn with fresh-fallen leaves,"
"Intervals of sunlight shine through like a beacon from Heaven or an angel's descent...
Like a butterfly,
the heart flutters with such peace -
forest reaction."
Your use of simile in the above lines has a great effect on the poem, I really appreciate!
Well done!
5/5 -
12 years ago
by ArtistrySoul
I very well written piece you have here :)
I liked the compelling imagery crafted for the reader has the forest was speaking and opening up to what it contains. I'm not sure if it would of been too cliche to propose a secluded lake or river within the forest but you have done really well with the motion of this poem.
5/5 -
12 years ago
NICE rewrite! You set me right in the middle of that forest & I see, hear & feel what you do.
The angel descent ties in well with the butterfly heart simile.
Well Done indeed! -
12 years ago
by Mohan
Very clever
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12 years ago
Well done. You might reduce the wordiness ofthe prose. I like Hellon's suggestion of incomplete sentences, but avoid making it so terse it comes across as staccato.
Try to focus on the sensory data & avoid value declarations: "such beauty was rare to see," "so full of life itself that the feelings of serenity and warmth cascade " - show the beauty & the serenity & you don't need this type of statement. Try to work in seasonal clues.
Well done Haiku!
