Comments : Reaction from the Forest [Haibun]

  • 12 years ago

    by Hellon

    Now this one is nice (I've already commented on a previous member's contribution). The difference with this one is that I could 'feel'the prose part but....I would suggest, as it is supposed to be part of a journal you edit it somehow? I hope you know what I mean. If it was a real journal you would not have complete sentences and this form of poetry should be in journal form....just quick lines that will remind you later on of what it was like to see/breath the scene?

    Like a butterfly,
    the heart flutters with such peace -
    forest reaction

    The resulting haiku is extremely nice...only thing I wasn't keen on was the word like...I really don't 'like'(haha) the use of this word...especially in short form poetry but....hey...I really enjoyed this one...Kuddos!

    • 12 years ago

      by A Poets Handwriting aka ALISHA

      Aww thank you Hellon. I am pleased you like it and thank you for the suggestions! They are much appreciated, as I really had little clue as to how to write the prose part. I will definitely edit when I have access to a computer again. I will also have a think about what to change the 'like' to in the Haiku but no guarantees in that area unfortunately. Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment with very useful suggestions. (:

  • 12 years ago

    by Amreen

    I just love the way you penned this... so beautiful and a good attempt.... I could feel the words you write because of the vivid descriptions...:)
    Good piece.;)

  • 12 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Well done. You might reduce the wordiness ofthe prose. I like Hellon's suggestion of incomplete sentences, but avoid making it so terse it comes across as staccato.
    Try to focus on the sensory data & avoid value declarations: "such beauty was rare to see," "so full of life itself that the feelings of serenity and warmth cascade " - show the beauty & the serenity & you don't need this type of statement. Try to work in seasonal clues.
    Well done Haiku!

  • 12 years ago

    by Mohan

    Very clever

  • 12 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    NICE rewrite! You set me right in the middle of that forest & I see, hear & feel what you do.
    The angel descent ties in well with the butterfly heart simile.

    Well Done indeed!

  • 12 years ago

    by ArtistrySoul

    I very well written piece you have here :)

    I liked the compelling imagery crafted for the reader has the forest was speaking and opening up to what it contains. I'm not sure if it would of been too cliche to propose a secluded lake or river within the forest but you have done really well with the motion of this poem.

    5/5

  • 12 years ago

    by NobodyKnowsItButMe

    The poem starts with an impact (negative) of civilization on the nature, which is one of the reasons I'm appealed to read as well as comment.
    Lively description!
    "Like embers of a flickeringfire, the narrow pathway is strewn with fresh-fallen leaves,"
    "Intervals of sunlight shine through like a beacon from Heaven or an angel's descent...
    Like a butterfly,
    the heart flutters with such peace -
    forest reaction."
    Your use of simile in the above lines has a great effect on the poem, I really appreciate!
    Well done!
    5/5