by Hellon
Now this one is nice (I've already commented on a previous member's contribution). The difference with this one is that I could 'feel'the prose part but....I would suggest, as it is supposed to be part of a journal you edit it somehow? I hope you know what I mean. If it was a real journal you would not have complete sentences and this form of poetry should be in journal form....just quick lines that will remind you later on of what it was like to see/breath the scene? |
Aww thank you Hellon. I am pleased you like it and thank you for the suggestions! They are much appreciated, as I really had little clue as to how to write the prose part. I will definitely edit when I have access to a computer again. I will also have a think about what to change the 'like' to in the Haiku but no guarantees in that area unfortunately. Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment with very useful suggestions. (: |
by Amreen
I just love the way you penned this... so beautiful and a good attempt.... I could feel the words you write because of the vivid descriptions...:) |
Well done. You might reduce the wordiness ofthe prose. I like Hellon's suggestion of incomplete sentences, but avoid making it so terse it comes across as staccato. |
by Mohan
Very clever |
NICE rewrite! You set me right in the middle of that forest & I see, hear & feel what you do. |
by ArtistrySoul
I very well written piece you have here :) |
by NobodyKnowsItButMe
The poem starts with an impact (negative) of civilization on the nature, which is one of the reasons I'm appealed to read as well as comment. |