Comments : Condolences (Reverse string Hay naku)

  • 12 years ago

    by L

    May they rest in peace

  • 12 years ago

    by Larry Chamberlin

    Nice string, Khalid. Thoughtful and caring.

    Minor error: piece should be peace

  • 12 years ago

    by Decayed

    Wow. That's an amazing form, and it did not seem forced at all....

  • Well firstly I must say - you excel at this form! I tried simple verses of the form and might try a string and/or reverse Haynaku soon.

    Secondly, I love how you have honoured these people and in relation their families by writing this piece. You have truly captured the event as well, and the imagery is vivid and heartbreaking, though I feel a sense of hope through your words. I'm sure they won't be forgotten by their families, but also by many others because you have written their story now.

    Not one part seems forced, and all flows very smoothly from one verse to the next. Truly beautiful work, Khalid.

    Five/Five

  • 12 years ago

    by silvershoes

    I like the structured style of this simple, heartfelt poem with words declining from 3, 2, 1 per line in each stanza. Not sure if this is a form you invented, but you did a nice job with it.

    Two things I would consider altering-
    "Sixty souls died"
    ^ This doesn't make sense to me. Do souls die? Are they not what continue existing after our bodies have expired?

    Also, I would capitalize Amen. Gives the poem more finality.

  • 12 years ago

    by La Reina De Corazones

    This poem is STRONG! 5/5

    Queen Ash

  • 12 years ago

    by The Queen of Spades

    Beautiful piece, what a tragedy, thank you for writing about something that I (and am sure many others) had not even heard of.