Comments : Alone [Senryu]

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    I think this is a senryu and not a haiku.

    But the message is very clear and emotion of loneliness is strong. Very good wording, well done.

  • 11 years ago

    by Jenni

    I agree with Baby Rainbow about the classification of this poem: although the form itself is equal, both requre the same amount of syllables in these three lines yet they are called differently. Haikus deal with nature and although the crow is part of that, I'd say that this aspect doesn't dominate.

    Anyways, enough about the formalities. I am quite fascinated by these kind of poems because they say so much in few words. I definately link darkness and crows, but I would have never compared crows to us humans, but I like the idea as we all need our freedom, yet having too much of it would probably mean that we're alone. The question encourages the reader to think. There is only one thing that I'd recommend, which is to exchange the period with a comma in the first verse. You probably meant to emphasize for the reader to stop there, but that happens due to the line break anyways.

  • 11 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    Craig: You wrote a very deep and dark poem in regards to the crow... I truley enjyed it... however your second line needs some tweaking.... I understand why you wrote "do not"
    to stay with syllable count, but in my opinion it breaks the flow of the piece... I have some ideas that might help you a bit...

    But in truth, do not we all?

    example:

    Truthfully said; don't we all?

    this line still stays with syllable count and reads a bit better and also stays with the message you are trying to convey....

    overall its a great senryu...

    • 11 years ago

      by Craig Rose

      Can I use that line? =) I was in a bit of a hurry when I wrote this. It was one of those moments where an idea comes to you at the worst possible time, and you scribble stuff down on the back of a candy wrapper lol

  • 11 years ago

    by Maple Tree

    You sure can Craig... I hear ya on being in a hurry... I've written poems down on the envelopes of bills and grocery recites ha ha