Sometimes it would be nice if someone would just try to find me pick me up and tell me im ok instead of letting me go when really i need someone to be riight behind me to help pull me out of this sometimes i'd like to see who actually cares enough to find me or follow me i guess if your still reading maybe you understand just how hard it is on a person when they feel distant and need a little extra encouragement and they dont know how to ask because they became use to doing things on there own and being alone. a little of my story behind it all is that at age 3 i wasnt at home playing with dolls or dress up, i was sitting in n abandoned house that was about a mile from my house because i was scaared as **** to be at home. i was to be quiet and not cry, i wasnt able to show my emotions, fear,sadness,anger. if i cried i got told to shut up if i didnt i got hit,kicked i learned quickly not to cry in front of people and to stop crying even if i was getting hurt or was in pain because it would just lead to more hurt, from about age 5-16 i stayed away from home as much as i could 5-13 i lived in and out of an abandoned house, the first time i cut was when i was 7 i though i was a bad kid, bad person, i thought it was my fault my dad hurt me and my mom couldnt and wouldnt try to stop him. after my dad left i thought i was always bad and he wasnt there to punish me so i had to do it myself, it became a daily thing, when i had any emotion or i broke something or didnt do something right i felt i had to hurt myself. my mom was diagnosed with cancer when i was 11 i was hardly around at first but even when i was around more i was out of it from drugs. i was balanceing school,takeing care of her as she became my child, i helped wash her,feed her, put her into bed, and had to pay bills, at 11 it was not possable to get a job and with no one to help i had to find a way which i wont go into but it was not plesent, my mom and i ended up moving in with my aunt but i still had to take care of my mom because my aunt was gone from 7am till 9pm days passed when i would get ''home'' from school i was always so scared to go check on my mom i would come in and sit in the hall and cry and just hope that when i walked in she would still be alive most of the time i would sit there until i heard any kinda of noise from her so i would know she was alive, in august 2006 i came home to find my uncle dead. he had closed himself off in the garage and killed himself, from there it was a quick downward spiral. i became suicidal more than ever, i knew the end was near for mom and it was so hard for us both. some nights i would wake up to her crying and i would go in and lay next to her. she was just as scared of her death as i was scared for her and how it would be without her. i begged with all i could to keep her for thanksgiveing,my birthday,christmas,and new years thats all i wanted more than anything i wanted to have one more holiday one more birthday with my mom i got it but i coulnt keep her alive no matter how much i wanted to, she died febuary 3rd 2007. i went to a mental health hospital because once she died it seemd liike i did to i was trapped in a cloudy cold world i gave up everything just went numb and empty, i got to say goodbye over the phone but she was not able to reply at that point she was dieng i told her i loved her and that she could go if she had to, she opend her eyes again but it was the last time.she left the world 30 mins after that and every since i havent been the same. this is only some of my story many details are left out because they are things i havent became open to tell yet. as of now i am finnaly finding a way to live with the pain but i still have trouble being around people because i grew to use to being alone. if your still reading just remeber you are loved and that even when times get hard you can move on and continue living, ~Be strong~
