What I've Done

My views are racing past bridges
in a dangerous cycle.
i am weak-
weaker than you knew me to be.
i read about strong women who
defend the brokenness they are
tempted
to become.

Those are just stories, and what if
they are nothing more?

You have a reason.
There are pressures in your life
and a past no one should have.
But i? I have support, i have two
parents who care about a relationship
with me.

Yet i don't deserve it.
People will just see the skyscraper
created for myself...
but not the maps that push me
to jump.
i've cheated love itself,
consumed then trashed its
contents into a canyon
of everything i despise.

And the guilt still continues
for isn't it just attention i am
getting at?

i'm confused about friendship,
how you understand but will never
know the depths of how lost
i have become,
how hidden....

i throw my hope for the future away
because i am afraid i will only amount
to a tragedy on the south side of New York
apartments, where i believe your sins
can be forgiven, but mine? Mine can never
stop defining me....

- 12/22/12