Blurred Entities

[Weekly Contest Comment: 1/7/13]

There was a directness and certain candor in this piece I highly admire. The poet's ability to suggest with such clear beauty the endless possibilities with her love. There is a simple romance in the poet's language, and also an adventure of hope. Reading this my mind opens up to all the dreams I can fulfill in this world- I loved how the poet wrote at the end with this passion: "Let's be anything, anything/ but not silence tonight". I like the idea of being anything, whether it be a part of nature or living out the life of two dreamers. I feel enlivened after reading this...the poet conveys much more than just a love beginning or maybe enduring, she has the reader enter the reality of the world with exploration none of us should be afraid of. Beautiful!

I adoooooooore this piece <3

I second Chelsey's suggestion of using "Transformation" as a title, or "Metamorphosis" to emphasize a long process of change, but that would in effect suggest a ending, or conclusion of what the agent in this piece wants him/her and the lover be.

For me this whole poem is a bit too messy with words and images, it got me dizzy and this is also because a lot of the figures are replaceable. Although there's meaning in every phrase written, they are not significant that creates progress into the reader's mind. If this poem was a road, it'd be a zigzag.

I can't critique the whole poem since I hope my point has come across, just an example for the first stanza:

Let us be strangers tonight;
two hungry pigeons gathering
amid the square of a mosque for
bread crumbs.

^ if strangers and two hungry pigeons were supposed to be metaphors then it does not work, why? Because pigeons gather by groups hence they should very well be familiar with one another. No use mentioning the mosque as well if it doesn't have any relevance in the poem. What to substitute then? How about creating a more intimate setting, beside a fountain? In a busy park? There's more for your choosing that could suggest an accidental meeting between strangers.

For a second, I thought 'Can you suggest a title for me....' was a part of this poem. And I was like.. how original!

lol

-
I suggest: Let's Not Be Silence, Tonight

Oh, and this is one of your best pieces ever.

Shoot! Sorry about the double post!