I Cried

I cried for the first time in days I have lost track of repeating the pattern on my fingers. I no longer cry every night, but it hit hard again. I don't know if it is the fact maybe it still hasn't fully sinked in that the love has really fled from his heart, or the fact to believe in love still, would mean I would still believe in my love for him, and that it's true, and that I truly can't give up.

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I cried after I thought I was done crying, I pleading with my heart to stop breaking, because it's run out of any unwounded areas, no matter how small, and the daggers cut through already torn apart flesh and cut away at already three quarters cut off a chunk of my heart, just hanging off is a piece of my heart, such weak skin is holding it together.

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People say that I am weak because I cry, and because I am still asking why, why to my mistakes, and the lamp he ripped from me, but I have never been this stumbled before, and I have become stronger, but not this time, this time I come home from school, and that night, I cry myself to sleep because the look of incurable love in his eyes (that had once been there), did not reappear today.

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My heart longs again to believe in things it once did. The things my heart once believed in, that roses could fix anything, and that a hug could be forever cherished, not missed, that a poem could never be put down if it came from the heart. Have a healer inside me, and still trust it would never be broken. Be able to reach out my hand and grasp hope in sanity. Believing in fairytales. To believe in true love.

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You never watch me leave with tears in my eyes, you never notice the tears that have been pressed upon my sleeves. Do you remember when good times we use to meet, and good things we use to see, do you recall when you were there to mop up the messed of what other guys had left for me, but you weren't there for me.

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And when you say those things, they cut my heart, those daggers cut me deep, and great distances you push me away. That pain stays. You think it just disappears, when you pick out my flaws and throw them to your new friends to laugh along with you. When you say I don't deserve the respect I use to receive from you and you say I don't get your hugs but it's a crime to still love you.

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You would not be able to believe how much it cuts off my legs when you say I should just go away. I hope you know one day I won't bother to fight myself to stay. I say you didn't mean it, and it's only my harm done, I tell myself don't give up, because you'll figure out you're the one one day. I believe that's true, I really do, and that this friendship, somehow, will be okay, just stop telling me you want to walk away.

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Tears trincle down my cheeks, speed raising and lowering, they wet my collar, and repeatedly wetten the bags under my eyes, but I have fought them long enough, he will never know, but I hold them in every second, I would never stop crying if I let myself, but I hold it in, the only times you still a small part of what's always in, is when I burst, I won't say I'm sorry.

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You took my heart, and you still have it, I want it back, because more and more, you treat it badly, you drop it, throw it away, walk away, step upon it, and wonder how somehow it ends up back in your hands, together we should stand, but you are blind, and have lost what made you so darn kind, and I remember all the times I gave you my heart, until you had all of it, now I realize, you never gave me even a slither of yours, you kept your heart back.

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"Just move on", "Get over it", "It's never gonna happen", "Quit feeling the way you do", "Make your heart stop caring". I want to scream at you as you pierce me with these heartless statements, that make demons speak. I want to yell at you what I think, I want to scream to your face "don't you think I would if I could, do you seriously think I like feeling the way I do, always hurting, always falling apart, and always missing you.

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Why deny that I've been replaced. Why lie to my face, when the tears still fall from my eyes, and I witness the thickening wall. It has come up between us, growing in my pain, and I am so afraid that it will stay. I am not overreacting, so stop denying the building of a train always traveling between us, you'd rather be with them, and they won't let me through, so what do I do, they mean more to you, they mean to you, what I use to.

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Replaced, the words are knives stabbing me from every which way, you promised me you this wouldn't happen, but I would have been surprised if it hadn't still turned to this change. We talked and you swear the coming year would not leave me to the side, but do you think I have run to hide, I am behind them, standing there while they get all your attention, no place beside you for me, you no longer have enough space for me in your world. Why.

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You had kicked me out of your life, and you called it jealousy, while I wanted to look you in the eyes and pour at least part of my heart out to you, "I don't care if I'm the one that you love, if she makes you happy then I'm more than happy to step aside, but is it too much to ask that I could still be a part of your life, because right now there's no space in your heart for I, no room in your left or right eye, and no way back into your world, as you made me.

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Why do you say I'm making the whole story up, because am I imagining how my seat beside you is always taken, how you hug them, her, and walk right by me, how my feelings are invisible and my face isn't like there's, isn't a master piece. How can I imagine the school help they get as my grades are slipping or, the tears falling as your laughter is ringing, or the crowd around you forming as I'm pushed out, your smile, laugh, presence, is gone from me.

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I LOVE YOU. I can go on about it, but why spread the heartache that it brought me. I can no regret how I truly feel, and I cannot run from the fact, after all, what does this mean, the feelings are still here, you turned from me, without looking back, I'm reminding of it like a million tacks. Through and through I LOVE YOU. And my heart wished to be retwined with yours, but your hands tell your heart no, and all I can do is wait, wait, and dream. I LOVE YOU.