Shades of Grey

Like most of you;
Dumbfounded when asked to self reflect.

Like most of you;
An addict to the pain following your
greatest high.

I found myself amongst fossils of the oldest dead
and dying dreams, face down in a crowd of your
mothers dirtiest, self loathing fecal matter,
where I've decided to piss on the heros cape,
when being indecisive becomes childish.

The place I had seen myself, destroyed, then
had no will to leave.

Screwed by the righteous cock of self consumption,
I've lost myself in broken mirrors attempting to
feign for ecstasy. But only now have I realized
that I never truly understood the definition of
love, until I felt the curiousity eating me
beneath my skin.

A passion built for all the hatred I've
accumulated and all the guns I've pointed,
freeing me of red hands-

Anything that has made me think that I am,
eventually gave me reason to think that
I never really was.

I found all this along a forest of doors.
Inside, there is some awkward noise amongst
scared men, because we all know we've traveled
down the same shameful road with shameful faces;
Molested each other with the same
false propaganda.

Along with that elephant in every room, I stood
beside the friendly apparitions, and they told me
that God was speechless when I decided to stain
my canvas. The priest spoke, said that I could
clean my hands in the dirtiest of water, become
as pure as a child out of its mothers womb.

However, the elephant and I don't invest
in regression. I do not regret my knowledge
of Hell and understanding of Heaven.
We all beg and plead to get our ideal end
destination, but all the damn saints and sinners
always claim the same damn fate.

When I relapsed to my security drug, when I
humiliated myself, masturbating with ideas of
innocence, when I would have liked to put a
bullet between the eyes of fear and defeat-
I would've liked to be forgiven,
knowing I would do it again.

But then, I took a step into the infinite depths
of mind, saw that logic could be grasped in the
most unclean of hands, saw drinking purified water
was only but our standards met in filth;
Realized I wouldn't forget or I wouldn't forgive.

Because, I shouldn't have to contribute in a
backward movement. Even when imagination is
killed by the abundance of specific realities,
and admiration was something seen too far off
behind myself, at a place where there is no more
remorse or mercy for lost minds (like mine.)

In a world seen only through a colorless lens,
you all still carry as many incomprehensible
numbers of demons as I.

Still, I'm not scared because without our stalking
shadow lying close, the feathers that may emerge
from our bones become untrue.

Either out of indecisiveness or out of comfort,
I settled in between the lines of what's certain,
I declare myself a home amongst conflictions and
unbelievably have obtained nirvana.

Although you may forget where I stay, in the shades
of grey, you may forget of all the tranquility
found in compound thoughts...

If you can only see what is white compared to what
is black, then your eyes have failed to give you
the most important sight.