You wrote a marvelous piece with an enchanting rhyming system, Stephen! I guarantee that you'll be able to compete with high levelled poets in future. I encourage you to pen more pieces like this. You proved that you're excellent in formed poetry and I'm proud of you.

Very good, you got the rhymes and the syllable counts.
Now just focus on the iambic pentameter which is the sound each word has.

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Shall I com pare thee to a su mmer's day?

The second syllable is more stressed.. It's tough to understand and find which ones are more stress than the others :-s but it takes a lot of practice.