Comments : Untimely Love

  • 11 years ago

    by Saerelune

    Quite honestly, I found myself falling in love over and over again with the first stanza. It read so smoothly and I've always been a fan of word play. I also liked how you described both sides of romance, both birth and death.

    I actually really enjoyed this poem but I don't know how to express myself, maybe because I relate so much to this situation.

    So, sorry, I'll just fill this comment with one minuscule snippet of criticism. =p

    The second stanza read a bit off to me, maybe it's because the first line ended do abruptly with the word "wrong" even though the sentence basically continues within the second line. So I was thinking of changing the enjambment a bit to this:
    "I caught you in the wrong moment
    to bare my tender soul"
    ^ But I wasn't satisfied because after further thinking I thought ending the line with "wrong" allowed some playground for double meanings, so I didn't actually wanted to change that. Because in the original line it could read both like "I caught you in the wrong" (< maybe finally finding out some dark secret about the person you're speaking about?) or "I caught you in the wrong moment" (< meaning it wasn't his fault, it was just life being nasty). If you know what I mean.

    So I thought, maybe this works:
    "I caught you in the wrong
    moment to bare my soul"
    ^ I omitted the word "tender" because I thought that's where the line felt off: it had too many syllables. And I thought "tender" wasn't much of a necessary adjective because "baring one's soul" is already quite a tender activity.
    But, yet again, I am not sure, I could understand the extra punch of adding the word "tender", so yea ... It's your poem, so feel free to choose either one of the options, or none of them. *shoves all responsibility your way* =p

    Oh, and I found myself missing the half-rhyme in these lines too:
    "-the only journey I dared
    to risk all I ever knew."
    So how about:
    "-the only journey I dared
    to risk all I'd ever known."
    ^ If that's grammatically correct?

    It would be such a pity if only this stanza lacked the half-rhyme that's consistent throughout the other stanzas.

    • 11 years ago

      by Mimed Lovette

      Hey girl :) thank you for your comment which is really useful as the rest you have provided me in the past. I did heed your advice and made some adjustments to my second stanza. Thank you!! I appreciate it!!!