Comments : Return to the black brick

  • 11 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    Tony, I was surprised to find this in the love category after seeing the title, because I was immediately leaning towards it being a dark piece...I was pleasantly surprised though might I add because this piece is heartfelt and there are sad aspects to it that you did well to portray,

    I also love the whole vibe of, I wish but I know...its that longing and that missing of someone but knowing you'll be with them soon, while still coming to terms with being on your own.

    A strong piece that I really enjoyed.

    :) x

  • 11 years ago

    by LostForWords

    Sorry for my delay in comment dude, I do like this after you elaborated it to me. Good job

  • 11 years ago

    by BlueJay

    A thousand crystals illuminate the
    velvet sky while the enchantment of
    nights silence,sends past emotions
    propelling through my veins.

    ^^ I like how the start is interesting enough to pull readers in yet not quite detailed enough to make this such a short read.

    Carvings on ebony stones signifies
    our quest for eternal trading of
    hearts, a promise to never erase
    the creation of our perfect world.

    ^^ I like how you are acle to tell story here and to ve so vividly descriptive.

    Soon sun beams will consume the
    darkness,birds will sing to the melody
    of a morning breeze while holy water
    Christens the earth.

    ^^ wow

    As I look towards the heavens, I smile,
    "till next year my darling" I say
    While I reminisce on my return
    to the black brick.

    ^^ stunning conclusion!!!!!!

    I love the simplicity and how this is so different than I excpected it to ve after the title and first line or two. I love how your voice is clear and strong, and how that adds life to the piece. I really enjoyed your use of style (also the flow is perfect) all in all, great piece

  • 11 years ago

    by Lostlove1

    A thousand crystals illuminate the
    velvet sky while the enchantment of
    nights silence,sends past emotions
    propelling through my veins.

    ^^I love the imagery here. I do not think you need the comma after silence (and if you do space after it) I like the use of propelling here.

    Carvings on ebony stones signifies
    our quest for eternal trading of
    hearts, a promise to never erase
    the creation of our perfect world.

    ^^this part is really beautiful. Again the imagery is good it gives a soft and tranquil feeling

    Soon sun beams will consume the
    darkness,birds will sing to the melody
    of a morning breeze while holy water
    Christens the earth.

    ^^^(space after the comma after darkness.) and I believe you dont need "the" before darkness...it is fine w/o it.

    As I look towards the heavens, I smile,
    "till next year my darling" I say
    While I reminisce on my return
    to the black brick.

    The last stanza is nice too except when I get to the last line...I am hellish confused as to what is the "black brick" A UK thing perhaps IDK . I wish I did...

    All in all a very nice write until I got confused with the ending. Maybe it's me :)

  • 11 years ago

    by Chelsey

    Carvings on ebony stones signifies
    our quest for eternal trading of
    hearts, a promise to never erase
    the creation of our perfect world.

    ^^ Here is just an example of where semi coluns are good to use, between hearts and a.....it will break up two sentences rather than having a long run on sentence with a comma...

    This was actually a really beautiful piece. Your opening stanza was so mystical, really enchanting....I love the originality in describing the nights sky. I always love when people come up with a new way to word it. I also like the use of "eternal trading of hearts." My that line was powerful and so lovely.

    Beautiful poem.

  • 11 years ago

    by Formidable Muse

    A thousand crystals illuminate the
    velvet sky while the enchantment of
    nights silence,sends past emotions
    propelling through my veins.

    ^ This is an extremely captivating first stanza. The image you create is very vivid and as Chelsey said, mystical.

    Rather than saying "while the enchantment of nights silence, sends past emotions" I think it would sound better to say, "while the enchantment of nights silence, send past emotions." Dropping the 's' off of Send would make more appealing to the tongue as well as fit better in the stanza. Just my opinion though. (:

    Carvings on ebony stones signifies
    our quest for eternal trading of
    hearts, a promise to never erase
    the creation of our perfect world.

    ^ This brings really interesting thoughts to mind, actually anytime the word ebony is used that seems to happen, it's such a visual word for me. This stanza is also very sweet, the idea of sharing a perfect word is definitely a nice one.

    Soon sun beams will consume darkness,
    birds will sing to the melody
    of a morning breeze while holy water
    Christens the earth.

    ^ Extremely creative, sun beams consuming darkness is a term I've never heard, but it's clever. This is a nice image a new day arising.

    As I look towards the heavens, I smile,
    "till next year my darling" I say
    While I reminisce on my return
    to the black brick.

    ^ I'm quite confused by the term black brick, I've never heard it before. But it draws my attention into some place that is unheard of, perhaps a place in your mind? Elaborating on that would be nice.

    This poem, overall, brings a lot of different thoughts to mind. The main one being:
    It makes me think of death in a sense. That you and your lover are bound together eternally and that not even death separated that and that this could be metaphorical for that. And this is the anniversary of something that the both of you share.

    I'm not sure what I mean to say. But I really enjoy this poem, it's definitely going into my favorites list. (:

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    A thousand crystals illuminate the
    velvet sky while the enchantment of
    nights silence,sends past emotions
    propelling through my veins.

    - I think you mean the silence belongs to the night here? So it should be "the night's silence" I also don't think you need the comma after silence because you are continuing the sentence. Great wording to open the poem with, very clear imagery and it is interesting to see where you will take this.

    Carvings on ebony stones signifies
    our quest for eternal trading of
    hearts, a promise to never erase
    the creation of our perfect world.

    - I think signifies should be signify - but I am not 100% sure, it just sounds better to me. The wording here is so creative and I love the eternity tone to it, like this will last forever and nothing can erase it no matter what.

    Soon sun beams will consume darkness,
    birds will sing to the melody
    of a morning breeze while holy water
    Christens the earth.

    - I think you need a comma after soon. The mention of darkness here is quite important I think because it relates tot the change in the tone of the emotion and the events of the story. It shows that what we have read above was something that is no longer real and here you convey this with the darkness which represents loss and loneliness and perhaps the broken promises of the future.

    As I look towards the heavens, I smile,
    "till next year my darling" I say
    While I reminisce on my return
    to the black brick.

    - Okay so the black brick represents what? I have tried to think and my thoughts are that you have been to visit the grave?Beacause you say looking up to heaven, So this is like the head stone? :s But then I question why next year? Is it a yearly thing you visit, and on what date every year?

    It was a well worded poem with creativity but the end is a bit confusing, I apologize if I have got it wrong and it is something really obvious haha! xx

  • 11 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    So, I had to read this a few times to fully understand...and then I still think I may be wrong.

    From what I gather from this poem, this is about visiting the person's grave, someone they love that they love... maybe it's their anniversary, hence the "carvings on ebony stone" and "till next year my darling" lines and then reminiscing for when you will return to visit again. Even though one is gone, their love is eternal.