Birthday Wishes

by Jenni Marie   Mar 10, 2013


Thirty three birthday wishes, seventeen cards and dozens of presents and
yet here I wait, patiently. Waiting for two simple words to come from you and you alone.

But they never did. Fruitlessly wishing, even pathetically;
constantly hoping, waiting, praying. Just two words. Were they really so difficult to say for you?

I guess not only have you already moved on but you also no longer
care in the slightest. Not for me, anyway. Though my heart may be heavy, my arms may be patterned and though it takes all of the energy I possess to smile, my eyes are dry.

For I will not allow myself to cry. Not for you. Over you. Or because of you.
I forbade myself from doing so and am determined to keep my promise to myself. But it's becoming harder with each passing second and I can feel the tears threatening, slightly hidden behind lowered eyelids. I never knew it was possible to blink so much.

But it seems to be the only thing holding the tears at bay. I love you. Even now, even after you laid your hands on me and hurt me so much. More than I knew it was possible to hurt. And of course, I'm not talking about the after effects or the lasting marks that have almost faded.

But the fact that you apper to have emotionally crippled my heart with your actions. The fact I chose to trust you and wasted four years of my life by doing so.

Shame, shame on me.

For the only good thing to have come out of us, would be our beautiful boy. Everything else just paves the road to pain, to unshed hidden tears and heartache. Two words. It's all I wanted.

And you thought so little of me, so little of our past and all the plans we previously made, so little of the once whispered I love yous, the gentle carresses and the time that we shared together...

that you couldn't even give me that.

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Latest Comments

  • 11 years ago

    by Poet on the Piano

    This is absolutely heartbreaking and I really don't know what else to say Jenni....I guessed those words would be "I'm sorry". The emotions flowing here are so raw and unobstructed, like you need to get this off your chest because it's been all you're thinking about. I think if another person caused us pain for whatever reason, we crave that apology, even though it's just spoken words, it still says something that they aren't moving on yet till they tell you.....so sorry for your pain, no one should have to hurt like this, especially at a time when there should be celebration and happiness. I know I can't possibly understand this but I have had on a much smaller scale those times when I felt still stuck in the past, because this person, friend, moved on and turned over a new leaf but didn't see the turmoil she put me in...how worried I was.....the intensity of these memories you share with this person is really seen by the reader. This write really grabs my heart. Here for you always <3

  • 11 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    This is raw, and to read this well, it just pains me
    It's honest and open and shows that you long for something that shouldn't matter, but it does.

    You portrayed how something that was such a huge part of your life seems to have faded, seems to be forgotten, yet you cannot forget it, you cannot erase it, and you know that you shouldn't hurt, shouldn't feel the way you do.

    This is a deep write...and I hope that you still enjoyed your day without this consuming you.

    x

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