Comments : Dillemma.

  • 11 years ago

    by Saerelune

    Well I must say your point is very clear and I could truly feel your frustration. Normally not such a fan of exclamation marks but I think your poem really benefitted from it (The line: "Which is absolutely ridiculous!"). I guess it's truly the frustration that makes this poem strong, the reader is able to feel sympathy for you and almost thinks along with the reader as he/she reads the questions you included in this poem.

    Something I've noticed is that you seem to try hard to keep each stanza 3 lines and tidy. That's a good thing, but be sure to not risk the flow by keeping your stanzas tidy. I say that because you seem to cut off lines at places that seem a little bit awkward for the reader to read smoothly.

    Especially here:
    "I'm not the only sister they
    have ..."

    And here:
    "it's going to ruin me and my
    life. "

    ^ Now I could really feel you wrote this poem to get feelings off your chest, and I can imagine it may be uncomfortable to change the lines due to that, so I am mainly pointing this out so you may keep it in mind when you write a new poem. It's actually just those two lines that disturbed me most. While some other lines may not have been naturally cut off, I thought it didn't disturb me as much, and perhaps even helped to keep the tension there. For example, I sometimes cut off lines while ending them on "but" or "and" too, as you have done in this poem. But I also think that's just personal taste, though, and depends on how the reader reads a poem.

    I also really liked how your poem began with frustration but gradually became more positive, shifting focus from your family situation to friendships/life. The ending line I found to be effective, especially because it stood on its own, made it the more special. The only thing I'd like to point out is the way that line was written. "So, stay strong" < sounds like you're directing this to some unknown other (maybe even the reader) instead of yourself. I guess it would be nicer if it were clear those words are meant for you. Maybe like: "So I'll stay strong."

    Oh and I think you have a typo here:
    "In case they haven't notice[d],"

    Keep writing! :)

  • 11 years ago

    by Chelsey

    Natasha, I have to say...i am very proud fo the punctuation in this piece!! I am a huge punctuation fan, and I felt it did this piece wonders! The comma's were perfect, which makes the reader pause in the perfect places.. the exclaimation point to prove your frustration in areas your voice rose.

    The irritation sets the tone of this poem and you can feel it when reading.

    On a personal note...love your life, keep that attitude girl. There will ALWAYS be people who try and bring you down, control you, make you unhappy, but stand your ground...keep loving yourself and your life and make due with temporary happiness til you can have full, permenant happiness, which will only come by furthering in your life.

    Lovely write.