The verbal rod

When will I see
That I cannot hide from my past
Suppressing my bad memories
Each one coming back, the hiding never last.

I thought it was best
That I hid my feelings away,
Making myself believe I didn't hurt
Taking it day by day.

If only I knew how to express
The pain in my heart I feel
Trying to understand my life
Living with self ridicule that is very much real.

I've been told in the past
That I need to express what's on my mind, but how can I do that
When my father wasn't so kind?

He said it was a good thing
He wasn't there,
The pain that came with his words
The verbal rod he never spared

He told me to stop crying,
Cryings for a b**ch.
Choking up every tear
Which filled my emotional ditch

That ditch grew deeper and deeper
With each passing day,
When are you gonna man up and
Stop being a p***y! This is what he'd say.

What he didn't realize was
That I was only 7 years old
Treating me like I was a man
How could a father be like this?
His heart, dark and cold