Since My Love Left Me (long version)

When my love walked away
I started to feel like if one small part of my life leaves,
any person,
huge part or small,
In my heart or just above it
Inside of me
Or could be
Stitched across my heart or has touched it
I won't be able to stand any longer
I'll finally fall apart

When the one I love without explanation
Without reason
Without care
Clear-cutly determined to leave me
it was like he took a wrecking ball to me
and now I'm wobbling
but still holding up,
but inside I know if one more brick falls down,
my walls will hold up no longer
and completely will come crashing down

What if there is another betrayal
What if another was just pretending
As if there isn't enough knives in my back from him
As if I need another person to let me down
It hurts enough that he didn't mean any of the things he said
And now I doubt every friendship
The possibilities of another relationship
If they are ever who they say they are
But most of all
Who I love I wonder if they will always love me
Those I trust
Always be here
Or betray too

But worst of all
The very ones I love
Who have never let me down
And given me neither a reason to doubt
Nor a reason to fear
The one who has always stood by me
Who says he loves me
I wonder even with him if it's true
Even though he's like family

My heart tears
It beats
1-2-3
But the thuds are off
Bruised and battered
Stabbed by a liar
It yearns to again be me
Not the fraction many see
But the words that are really mine
Not what he wanted me to be
Or what he wanted my words to be
Or what he turned to slap
When he decided to leave
Yes I want him to be with me
But
I don't want to be his puppet

Anger
I hold anger at him for walking away
For letting me down
Raining a cloud of suffering on me
Poisoning every dream
Melting me at the steams
And not the good way it used to be
When I use to love the rain
Now there's acid on my scars
And those cuts from others
That he promised you wasn't like
But he was worse
He claimed he would never hurt me
But that's all he does now
Fury
At the one who let me down
And left a major hole inside of my heart
Larger than I've ever seen
Or will let it become again
That I ever should have before
Not even letting me heal it
Or pick up the pieces of my heart
Because he still has it in his hands
Why did I give it to him
Because I trusted him
Most of all
And then I think about what I already know
Why did I give it to him
Why did I trust him
Because I loved him
Most of all

So now I'm scared they'll do the same
All the people ever let in
'Cause then myself would be the only one to blame
I've had enough warning
I know how easy it is to fall
And how I long to have a friend who understands
But now I really am wounded
And I'm scared they'll leave too
I don't want to lose another you

I wipe away the tears under my eyes
Thinking if I just lost him or her
I'd lose it all
I'd be incapable of standing any longer
Passed unstable
Beyond un-repairable
No pieces together
But many shattered
No particle of inspiration inside of me
Because every piece of motivation
Incentive
Would be burned out
And bleed
Bleeding it out

Then I think of the others
And when one drops off
I know if he doesn't come back I'm screwed
Him or her
Even a small portion of my heart
Small quantity of my existence
Any share of who stands on either side of me
Who has helped
In some way
Because I can't lose even you
So now I have to hang upon hope
That slips away like sand through my fingers
Slipping off the tips of them like string
As if it's covered in butter
I'm losing the encouragement
My shield is full of holes
And becomes no more
The tape on the cracks are peeling off
Wetted by my tears
And damp form the sweat
Of fear you'll never return
The pressure the pain forces against it
Against my walls
And the cocking is disintegrating
I realize now losing them the severity
As the world threatens to take them away from me too
Fade them away from existence in my life
Tear them out of my heart