Comments : Why Us

  • 11 years ago

    by CathyButterflyJC

    Girls don't mean to judge, some feel it's better safe then sorry, we try to break out of our shell but it's not easy, to give a guy our heart and then find out all his words were a lie, I know all guys don't do this, but it makes a girl rethink any guy, remember how kind the other was at the beginning, I know you don't deserve to be judged for past heartbreaks, I'm sorry!

    Wonderful poem, really got me thinking, two thumbs up!

  • 11 years ago

    by Hannah Lizette

    I'm going to critique a few things, and I really hope you don't take it personally. It's definitely not meant to be that way, just a few suggestions that I think this poem could benefit from.

    Okay...so I had a hard time reading through some parts of this poem, it could just be me. Just seems like some of the words were just pasted and then so was some punctuation, but not the right punctuation. Does that make any sense... okay, I'll give you a few examples.

    "I don't know why ?
    easily judge us ?"

    I don't think a question mark is needed at either one of these two lines, neither are a question. If you reworded it into "Why do they easily judge us?" ... I guess it would sound better...but that's just a suggestion.

    "with the one with there past."

    with the one "with" "there" past... I think you need to change "with" to "from" and there is the wrong their... there is like a place... "we went there" ... and "their" shows possession. it was THEIR past. so the ending result of this line should be ...
    "with the one from their past"

    "heart breaker , a fool , a jerk ?"

    again, I don't think a question mark was needed, unless you were asking the readers if their past ex's were a heart-breaker, fool, or jerk... if so, maybe try to re-word it so it's a direct question.

    "i think you miss judge."

    "miss judge" should be one word ...spelled like this "misjudge"

    "that we're men , we're though."

    did you mean tough instead?

    "you think on us is the same. "

    ^ "you think OF us AS the same"

    okay, that's all I'm going to really point out... there are a few more things but I hope with the few that I've mentioned you can read through and edit it yourself. Another thing, you don't need the periods at each sentence because they aren't all complete sentences. You don't come to a complete stop at the end of each sentence because on the next line you begin with "and" like you are finishing the rest of the sentence. Idk, like I said... it makes it hard for the reader to understand when the punctuation isn't correct. I'm totally not trying to hurt your feelings or anything, sometimes tough criticism is what makes us into better writers...I know it did me when I first started out. :)

    On to the message... I understand what you are trying to convey here... that girls judge you, judge guys, compared to the guys that have hurt them in the past. Not all guys are the same, just like not all girls are. You will find the one who won't judge you because of her past and wont' judge you for your past either.

    • 11 years ago

      by Sherwin Talapian

      Thanks... :) sorry i admit my grammar and also my english sometimes were sucks... but thanks
      for your corrections... :)