I thought the worst experiences of my life would have been those when I was used by callous hands and had no say in the matter. When my tears meant nothing, my whispered pleas went ignored and my inner turmoil didn't matter to the one causing it. I was wrong. Today was the worst experience of my life. Leaving you...you will never know how difficult that was. How much it killed me inside. How I wanted to take you into my arms and never let go.
And when I whispered to you "I love you, baby" for you to smile and tell me "love you mummy" I had to blink back my tears so you couldn't see them and smile at you so you didn't become aware that anything was wrong.
I wonder what goes around in your mind sometimes. I wonder, do you ever question why you are always with Daddy and why you can't stay with Mummy anymore? Or if you miss me as much as I miss you, or if you get excited if anyone mentions to me to you or... if you even barely remember me now? I think about you every second of every day. And it hurts.
It hurts all the time, knowing I can't be with you, that I can't watch you grow, that I don't know what you are doing at every moment of the day. It hurts that I'm missing out on your most important years and it hurts that Daddy is doing is best to keep us apart...and succeeding. And I'm writing this with tears flowing down my face knowing you will never read this and that you will never know how much pain I am in right now because I will never show you or tell you, because my only goal in life is for you to be happy.
But it hurts so much, baby boy. I love you more than life. I would do anything for you. And I only hope that you realize though I may not be with you right now...you are my entire life and I love you.
