Ashes (Repost)

This piece was okay. i think it was kinda hard to follow and it seemed like it didnt flow the best. but it is a nice poem with potentail

Indeed a good poem atlas! Continue!

First stanza: I really like the metaphor of the cigarette throughout the entire piece. From this line alone, the relationship is done... it's burnt out.

Second: I like the fireplace reference, too. It showcases the ashes in a different way than the cigarette. Maybe you had memories in front of that fireplace... and now it's nothing but 'leftover' ash, resembling what you once had, like the relationship.

Third: I think you meant 'drag' instead of 'dreg'. Also, I don't think there really needs to be "like a cigarette" again since you had it in the first stanza.

With the whole speaking of taking another drag, to me that speaks like you kind of want another try at this...like you want just one more puff of his nicotine... but then you say you are not in love, just trying to put the memories back together.

Fourth: You see that he is unhappy... and that is why you aren't going to push this any farther, you aren't going to try to make this work anymore. His happiness means more to you than your own.

Ending: Lovely ending... it's true, you can't restore a flame once it has turned to ashes... it's gone forever.

Love this, glad you reposted! :)

I like this poem .It did remind me of a song from the late seventies from the knack called "You can't put a price on love" though this was very unique and original because of the focus on a burnt out flame. 5>>>>>>>

PS if your partner feels the same as you imagine the song that came to mind does not apply
http://youtu.be/WVuHP4BoVv4

Your simplicity works well here in this poem, and it carries a very somber tone, like this is the finale, this is the absolute truth. Everything has become ashes.

"This relationship has
burned down like a
cigarette."

- I like this image as an opening, my only suggestion is to describe the cigarette more, it feels incomplete... maybe connect it more as a simile like "burned down like a cigarette left desolate in an ashtray", or something to give more clues to the reader. It doesn't have to be a lot of details, I just think you could add another line to draw the reader into this image of the cigarette burning. Is it wilting? Have others touched it?

"Ashes fill our lives like
leftover fireplace residue."

- I like how you worded this, it is different and makes me think of fireplaces that are in homes of families, watching the fire, using it for warmth. That "leftover" definitely shows the loneliness, that is all you have to hold onto.

"Like a cigarette we feel
a need to take another
dreg? We are not in love;
we are trying to orchestrate
memories of the past."

- Don't understand the question mark placement, do you need it? It seems out of place to me. If you do though because it's a self-reflective question, I suggest taking out the "like a cigarette" and changing it to "do". I also, only in my opinion, wouldn't repeat the "like a cigarette" since you stated it fairly recently, and the reader can put two and two together. Another thing I noted, I'm pretty sure "dreg" should be "drag" to phrase it correctly. The sense of hopelessness is strong though in the reality that there is no healing the relationship, the past, whatever built up to this....so casually and almost mindlessly you take another dreg of the cigarette.
- "orchestrate" was a great word to use here! I love the mournful tones it has and it's such an expressive word.

"I see the sadness in your
eyes and that's why I refuse
to keep trying."

- I keep re-reading this over and over.... my first thought was that "see" was a weak verb compared to all the depth of sadness you are understanding from this person, and that being your reasons to accept that this could be the end. However, at the same time, I also liked the logical appeal in it- you know they are unhappy, you have not blinded your eyes with love, you can truly uncover when a person is truly sad. So I did like it, because it was simply stated but had different aspects of it.... In my mind, I'm always for rooting for relationships and working on them so both people are ultimately happy with themselves and each other, but this almost hinted that this person's whole life is now enveloped in sadness, and that takes much more to heal, maybe it never will fully get back up again.

"We can't restore what we
allow to become ashes."

- Oh I like the "allow".... makes me realize things don't just happen to our relationships, in the long run we make decisions that can impact them even in the littlest ways. Sometimes trust is broken so much and that feeling of complete bliss with the person can't be brought back. A moment of the past.

"We can't undo the flames;
no we can't pretend that
everything is the same."

- My biggest critique would have to be here, with the ending... I liked your tie-in with the flames, how you note you don't have the power to undo them or extinguish them even if you were in control. However, I keep going back, it's not that it was too cliche... I understand what you're going for here. Just when I read it aloud, it seems to end too quickly... maybe it's the rhyme with "flame" and "same"? But I think a few lines more, or even to end with more strength you could make another allusion to ashes leaving the reader with yet another perspective on it. So you leave the reader thinking about the change from liveliness to ashes, or give a specific instead of just referencing "the same", it seemed to not give enough at the end. Just my opinion though. Sorry if I did overkill with critiquing longer than the poem, I just wanted to look hard into this, yet sometimes I'm stuck because this is the poet's true work and if this is what they want to say in this exact way, no one can say differently...

Neat write, keep writing!