All I know is pain, I don't know anything else

by TheDarkCloudBehindthePoet   Jun 13, 2013


A good friend of mine once said I was the saddest person he ever met,
not taking it as an insult, but food for thought,
I sit and think to myself, do his words have any merit?
Am I really the embodiment of depression and sadness?

For a long time I told myself that I wouldn't live to see old age,
mainly because I figure I would kill myself before then, or give my life to save another,
unfortunately, I still have those thoughts even when my life is going in the right direction,
I'll always live a young life knowing that one day my number will be called,

Regardless if I don't agree with god on many subjects, I'm sure he will use me as a martyr, because I prayed to him and asked if he would do so,
would the street run red with blood spilt by my hands, or will I be the poster boy for strength and freedom,
either way soon I will be judged and I am not scared,
Send me to heaven for a short time, because ultimately I will be sent to the land of rotten flesh, on a boat crossing the River of Styx with Achilles telling me his war stories,

Why do I think I'm going to hell you ask?
It is not because of my cursing of god or lack of faith, not even if I kill myself,
but if a dear friend or family members are at the pearly gates, and St. Peter won't let them in, I've already prayed to god to let them take my place in paradise,
I'm sure there is a way because I believe I can convince him,

Purity in my heart with intentions to do good, so why not grant me a wish, a wish to condemn myself to eternal torture so another doesn't have to,
I've dealt with pain my entire life, so why not deal with it in the next,
if I were to go to heaven, I wouldn't spend my days giving god praise anyway, so I'm sure he will be fine trading my life for another,
All I know is pain, I don't know anything else.

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Latest Comments

  • 11 years ago

    by TheDarkCloudBehindthePoet

    It took me a while to find the words to say for such a heart felt comment. Tara I don't know why I feel the way I do. So much positive in my life and I can only see the negative. Longing to go to hell for whatever reason. I wish I had the answer. I can only cry while I write this but depression is a part of me like my own beating heart. Controlling me like you said in your latest poem. It does begin with me if I want to change. Only I hold the final answer. Maybe I belong in heaven like you say, I just need to see it for myself. See myself happy and not sad. Once I can see that then maybe ill have faith and maybe ill see the light. Thank you Tara :')

  • 11 years ago

    by Tara Kay

    I'm not going to tell you that what you believe, or feel is wrong, you don't need me to tell you that, or anyone else, because you feel that you are right and you have tried to think otherwise, you've attempted to turn things around, but like you say, even when things are going right, you still feel depressed. But that is depression, it makes you think that, but it isn't necessarily true, and I know that...because I have changed my thinking many a time, and I have seen the good times, yes, sometimes depression creeps back, it lingers and it makes us feel weak and useless but we know deep down, we are not, we are strong, we are united, we all have something that drags us down but it is us, ultimately that can change that and YOU can change it, if you want to, you can, you have a heart, a soul, a life, that is ready to commit to you, so commit to it, take it in your hands and love it, live it, breathe the air and see the light behind the darkness, because it IS there, it really is.

    You say you have only known pain, think about it, is that true, because I don't believe it is, I believe you think it is, because you have lost sight of peace, but you felt good at one time, you did, and you can feel good again.

    This poem, it sounded to me, like you were saying that you've failed time and time again, and you asked to let others reach heaven so you could be left in hell...why? You deserve to be let in, and whether we believe in the after life, or whatever we believe in, we all deserve happiness and peace...in the end.

    You wrote this with feeling, with meaning, but much of what you believe, is just unfounded, because you are strong...trust me, you ARE.

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