Comments : Alone

  • 11 years ago

    by Blood of a Lion

    Sadness surrounds...

    This** unruly compound in which my heart is bound**

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    Just remember these are only changes I would make but you don't have to use them :) You do a great job at starting off your works it seems like, dark and yet not so dark.
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    The feeling is profound...

    *One that's renowned and truly cruel,

    As I sit alone my breath is the only sound

    Residue on my mind from when you were around...

    Enshrined and entwined with dark thoughts not far behind

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    Again the only edits I can find are sentence structure so the thought flows across more smoothly, but beyond that this has some very awesome imagery.
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    The feeling is defined by waking up in bed alone,

    a shaved head, long stares, and a lawn that's overgrown* ((line was too long)

    There's not a needle in the world that could fix these tears,

    not a prayer in a million that could give me those years back* ((line was too long)

    My heart is black, and hard as a rock**

    No blood in my veins, its all Amber Bock

    The feeling is a desolation of my decimating isolation
    And one that you catch every heartbreaks rotation
    The sensation of stagnation post elation
    You did it again
    There ya go
    Standing ovation

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    I'm not quite sure how much editing you want me to do with the lines, so I'll just review x)

    Very nice lines and imagery, it really flows like a wave if that is such a thing... But you did a great job at it. Keep going! 5/5

  • 11 years ago

    by Owner of an Untamed Heart

    Tis beautiful. The beginning sucked me in like a black hole, surrounding me with wonder and darkness from start to finish, then spitting me out completely amazed. I love it. 5/5