Comments : Time To Move On..

  • 11 years ago

    by Tim

    Firstly I'd like to say, thank you for sharing :) - It's almost as if the emotions have rubbed off on this poem, so I can read them with the words.

    There are a few spelling, and gamma issues with this piece. "I" should be capitalized for example, and "are'nt" should be "aren't" - Try to remember to spell check before you post poems if you can, it just makes them look a lot neater, and easier to read. - You could even go back and edit this one.

    I love this line:
    "I'll find the one who's made for me..
    Who ll bring back the girl i lost into me"

    It's the kind of thing you'd have a hard time faking, that how I can tell this poem comes from the heart... Which some people (myself included) have a hard time expressing. But you're nailed it well. So well done for that.

    There is one other thing I'd like to mention, to try and help you grow as a poet... In this piece, I think your flow was a little off. And by that I mean, the way it's read doesn't quite fit in place.

    For example "It brought tears in my eye"
    - I'm thinking that maybe "It bought tears TO my EYES"
    The sentence is just easier to roll off the tongue.

    And there are just a few words that seem to be missing out of your sentences.
    Like this one "Lonely in my room talking with mirror" - either needs to be:
    1. "Lonely in my room talking with THE mirror"
    or
    2. "Lonely in my room talking INTO THE mirror"
    Just so it makes better English sense.

    I'm sorry I've been a little critical, that's not to say I don't like your poem. On the contrary, I actually really like it... I can tell you've put a lot of yourself into it. So well done for that. With practice you will grow.

    On this occasion I'm going to give you 5/5 because of the amount of effort you've clearly put into the poem.