Sometimes I think about us, the way we used to be.. The old days of when we were in love, the times you used to laugh with your pearly white teeth. Your deep brown eyes would gaze into mine, and somehow somewhere I would get so lost inside your soul. Our souls would tangle up together and run away in freedom, through some field of lilies just hand in hand you and I. Its been really long, im not mad at you, I will always love you unconditionally, but sometimes I wish I could text you just to ask you one question.... "why?" I know this sounds weird but after all this time... I still wonder, how bad of a person could I have been to be cheated on? Was I not caring enough??? Was a mean to you? maybe just maybe you craved for a love I could not offer to you.
After all those months.. endless days spent together, I really wonder sometimes why you did what you did to me, leaving me for someone else. You kept your thoughts from me and just put me on the spot 2 beautiful summers ago.. You were my 1st love, someone I will never forget until the day that I am given to heaven. But you put alot of doubt in me, you made me doubt who I was and what I wanted when I was with you. Sometimes I dont really even know who I was when I was with you because you made me seem like someone I wasnt you made me change .. but I dont know if it was for the best.. i somehow had lost myself inside my own self.
My fear was that one day I would lose you to someone else, I dont know why I spent so much time worrying about losing you because now I know what its like to lose someone you love so much. I worried that we would grow apart, and that one day I would wake up alone, you would be happy with someone or married, and years from then thats exactly what happened. I lost you, I became utterly alone, never loving another after you and I kind of blame you for it because you broke me, you tore me down into someone fragile, unsure, and someone who was unsure of how to love another man again.
But you taught me to live my life the way I needed to and I want to thank you for that. I spent too many nights crying over you, someone who hurt me so much. WHY WHY WHY... have I moved on? Ugh i hate that thought that I have moved on because it means that our past is a blank page, like an old book disappearing.. a forgotten book. I guess Im really scared, to really fall in love after you because I really.. wanted us to work so much but i failed at keeping you. I know what i want and what i need from a man now, and thats something I want to thank you for.
I need to learn not to pull away from situations where i am wanted and craved by another man. But most of the time i reject men because Im scared of becoming that person again, that lonely, heartbroken girl, I am scared of getting hurt because you hurt me so bad it took me almost 2 years to get over the situation. Sometimes... i laugh because I dont believe I will find someone for me, mainly because you put doubt in me when we were together. I am still working on myself, on my feelings and also I am learning to open up to opportunities.. I am working on becoming a better me, I am working on letting other people in and not letting the past keep up with me.
I hope and I know I try to see the good in all guys even though I have completely no clue whether I will get hurt or not.. But I guess without pain, love wouldn't be magical. I want you to know that you were my first love and I will never forget you, and one day... i will learn to love another the way I loved you. Maybe not today or tomorrow but one day my time will come and I will be ready to love again, one day I wont be alone, because one day a beautiful man will love me, and I will be his everything, because clearly I wasnt yours.
