It Shines, I Can't Feel It

I lay in bed
Watching a beautiful sunrise
Shining light for all the world to see.
I'm barely awake
Yawning and stretching my limbs
Not ready to take on the day.
It's terribly sad
I only see a light bit of the sun's beauty
I'm blind to it.
Finally, I get up and move
Changing into clothes I don't feel beautiful in
Plastering on a mask to make me feel less insecure.
As everyone sees me
I smile and say, "good morning"
If only they knew.
I cover the cuts from the night before
Inching my hoodie down a little more.
It was another bad night
One I couldn't handle without destruction
Destruction to myself.
They only see how bright my smile shines
Not the deep sadness inside my eyes
Or the trembling of my body.
If only they could understand
How close I am to death
& how dead I already feel.
Their girl is only nights away from giving up completely.
Luckily, there's a boy she fights for.
The suns high above the trees now
Letting its light flow around the world
Bringing everyone life.
I don't feel its warmth anymore
I haven't for a very long time
So I hide beneath the shades
Hiding from it.
All I've known this year is darkness
It's more welcoming than the sun
In my heart.
Everyone hates on it
& makes it feel terrible about itself
I guess that's where I have a similarity with it.
Both rejected
Ignored
Abused.
I spend my days and nights with this eternal darkness
Filling me with coldness
Making me numb in my defenses.
Eventually
I don't know when
I won't make it to the next day.