Comments : Less broken

  • 11 years ago

    by BlueJay

    First let me say some of your lines are a bit lengthy, maybe try:

    Because every second of every day I learned how to live
    without you in every way
    And it hurt but I slowly got better
    And slowly stopped thinking about you
    And slowly, ever so fell out of love
    with the person I thought meant forever

    I stopped thinking about us
    And I started thinking about me
    That doesn't mean I don't think
    of all we used to be
    Because this time I fixed my own sky and ive sown together my own stars
    Because I realized that maybe
    I could fix myself
    Maybe I could do this on my own

    And I slowly became less broken
    and more together
    I learned how to get along on my own
    I guess I fell out of love with you
    long ago because you, you are not you anymore because you have not yet learned how to fix yourself
    But I can show you how to be fixed
    just like you showed me how to be broken

    I don't know, I guess I'm just saying you should play a little more with it. Other than that its a decent poem, the wording could be stronger, but thats a personal prefrence. Your style was ok and your theme was well approached. The piece was a bit weak, but I suppose emotion made up for that.

    4/5 from me

  • 11 years ago

    by WintersAngel

    Amazing write. I love it :)