Always Fighting

There was a time
Where I was so lost
I couldn't even find myself.
My thoughts controlled me
& took their rage out on my skin
With beautifully sharp blades
Creating red marks on my body.
I thought It was right
That it was a way to feel again
In all of my numbness.
The way my dissociative state soared
And more and more cuts appeared
Scarring me forever.
There was a time
When I was too broken to feel
When all the colors dissipated
& I could only see grey.
I was six feet under
Struggling to get out
This never ending cycle moving forwards
Trying to overtake my senses.
The way I didn't smile anymore
& I dazed out constantly
Trying to separate myself from reality
From the world begging to help.
I remember how hard it was to get up
The chains on my arms pulling me down
Restricting any movement in the right direction.
I have become stronger
Than all the things trying to pull me backwards
Than all the death that consumed my mind and soul.
I have enough strength
To recover from this illness
This addiction
This way I've lived for awhile now.
I am bigger
Than the things that haunt me
Inside and out.
I am brave
Fighting off my demons
And winning more and more times
Rather than losing
Like in the past.
I will conquer what tries to ruin me
I will die a fighter
I am always fighting.