Relapse II

I'm flicking through the pictures of you from yesterday and I can't help but become overwhelmed with emotion and I can feel my eyes welling up. I've been fighting for so long to get myself better, to be the mommy you deserve and now I am ready, daddy wont allow me to be.

I almost gave in earlier once again. I stood at the kitchen sink, staring out the window at your toys strewn across the garden. Toys that haven't been played with for months. And before I knew it the tears were rolling and all of a sudden I glanced down to see the bottle in my hand. I don't recall making a grab for it...it had become so automatic to reach for the alcohol that I easily slipped back into this habit.

And I noticed my other hand was reaching for a glass and for a moment...I was so tempted. Tempted to pour a glass, or two or even more. Tempted to slip back into the bliss of forgetting, of dulling the ever present pain. Because although I finally got to see you yesterday, daddy is telling me that was only a one off because it was your birthday but that he wont allow me anymore until lawyers have made their decision.

And although rationally it isn't that far away... emotionally it feels like decades. As does every second I am not with you. And it hurts, it hurts SO much. The smile on your face yesterday when you saw me, the way your whole face lit up when you came rushing over to me to hug me, the way you rarely left my side and ignored everyone else present.

And it hurts so much that Daddy promised me as soon as I was better and capable of being everything that you need that he wouldn't stand in our way and now he wont even allow me to see you. I fought so hard to recover and I succeeded...only now daddy is throwing up every road block he can and for no good reason.

And yes I was tempted earlier, I wont deny that. I'm only human. But you...YOU...are more important to me than anything else, and the image of your smiling face caused me to slowly unscrew the bottle cap, lift it and pour the contents into the sink. I've fought this hard so far. And you mean everything to me, I will fight for you until my last dying breath.

I wont give up now.