Anger

It's amazing what anger can propel you to. There's nothing quite like it. Sadness, betrayal, hurt; they all seem to end the same way-with a person in tears and desperately unhappy. But anger?

{Anger propels you, it drives you, it motivates you.}

And right now, I am angrier than I have {ever} been. Reading your bunch of lies left me completely speechless for a minute or two, my thoughts numbed into shocked silence. But when I started to unravel those thoughts they all led back to one thing: anger.

Anger at your lies, at your betrayal, at your twisting everything and the way you placed every ounce of blame on me. Anger at how you seemed to find it so effortless in the hopes of keeping me away from my boy. Anger at how you could do this to me, to someone you used to care about, especially after having been through the same thing yourself previously.

Anger at how stupid I was to place my trust in you, to fall in love with you, to open myself up emotionally to you. Anger that you don't seem to care even the slightest bit about not only the effect this is having on me but also on our boy.

He was the {only} good thing we ever did together and now you want to ruin that too. You're not just keeping a mother from her son, you're also keeping a child from his mother. Have you ever thought of it that way, about what it is doing to him too? No, of course you haven't. You're too far up your own pigheaded ass to realise I am not the only one you are hurting with all of this.

You always told me you were not a fan of chess. So why do you insist on treating our boy like a pawn? Why do you insist on jerking me around and by doing so, indirectly doing the exact same thing to him? Why do you insist on believing he is better off without me?

He isn't.

I asked you for HELP when I needed to get better and you promised me. {Promised} me, that you would help all you can and that he would be right there waiting for me as soon as I was better within myself. Did you keep to that? No, you didn't. So who's the liar now? I asked you for help because even though we were no longer together I trusted in you to do what was best for our child. But no, your selfish manipulative side just couldn't do that, could it? You had to lie and pretend and then the moment, the exact second, I was ready; you not only twisted the knife, you rotated it in circles making sure you hit every nerve.

Anger. It's amazing what it can do. These last few months I've been drowning, suffocating, praying, hoping you will begin to realise the damage you were causing. Every time I felt anger surfacing I forced it away knowing it wasn't healthy, that I'm better than that, and kept on hoping we could be mature and behave like parents. But seeing your lies in black and white, I feel only one thing right now.

Fiery, blazing, red hot anger, so strong that I can feel it burning and consuming every part of me. And if you want to play it this way, then continue to do so. I will fight back as hard as I can against every dirty underhanded trick and lie you throw my way. And I will win. I will have him back in my arms, where he belongs. You will not succeed.

Anger. Oh yes, I'm not a fan of it. But it propels you, drives you, motivates you. And right now it's all that I have left.

..needed to vent.