Comments : Demons.

  • 11 years ago

    by Britt

    I KNEW You would be able to do this! OMG you seriously took this prompts and made it into such a heartbreaking story, I am in complete awe over it! This is incredible!

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    "You will be, the only one."
    His voice never faltered, never cracked
    despite the dangerous waters he knew
    were already beckoning him to move
    closer.

    - very interesting starting verse. It has a bit of mystery inside it, as to who "he" is and what his purpose is. Your prompts are flowing brilliantly here and I like the tone of danger/unknown. I love the passion you have put in here, that this person stands strong despite the dangerous waters he knows is there, that doesn't make him give up.

    Addictions became misdirected,
    one phone call transforming into
    written codes on ticket stubs and
    sirens...in the middle of a night
    when his girl wasn't through
    battling her fears.

    - so I can see a relationship coming to mind here, I like the way you have said "his girl" which indicates to me that in the opening line of the poem, he was talking to her, and perhaps is a father?

    Life was manifested in that golden promise.

    - great job to make this line stand out on its own. I think so much of us will relate to this line in the many promises we have thought to be golden but they have turned out to be lies and have been broken.

    His face was no longer pointed out lovingly
    by the freckles, wrinkles, dimples.
    She noticed when his teeth began to rot,
    when a black eye would appear,
    when his lips would be bleeding
    and there were never any smiles.

    - the sad change of tone here is evident, the change, the transformation of what seemed like a strong bond into something perhaps as fragile as her mind. Sad, but greatly worded. I think it shows the addiction to be alcohol or drugs and you have shown the affect it has on the body, which changes his appearance.

    It was always a narrow escape.

    - again I like the line being on its own, I think it emphasises the importance of this point.

    He didn't stop playing daddy though,
    as much as the drugs hooked his spirit,
    he still came home to the arms of
    a five-year-old, asking her about the
    dolls she cared for and wondering what
    it would be like to walk in her shoes, in
    such purity.

    - this was really touching - to add such a young child into this, I was thinking an older child, a teenager even, but to be so young and witness this is quite moving. We feel empathy for her. and well I guess the father too. He clearly does not want things to be this way and his mind is telling him to change in order to become a better father.

    "There is another sun."
    This time, he reminded himself.
    In her, he had welcomed the silhouette
    of an unexpected love.

    - love the wording here- it is so beautiful. The hope here shines through a bit, in that he is desperate not to let her down anymore, he did not expect to love his daughter more than drugs - or maybe he always did but something had happened to wake him up and make him realise it?

    It won't be the end, not now.

    - I like this line because I can't tell if it is directed from the father or the daughter, or the narrator. And so I feel it is the hope of all 3. The determination of all coming together to make this story have a better ending.

    Tomorrow he will rise out of his own bed,
    fully rested and ready to greet a new day
    where he won't be trailing behind
    the prints of self-destruction.

    - great way to end, with an upbeat tone, I like how you say "own" bed, implying he usually sleeps elsewhere or even outside and therefore leaves his young daughter often. But I like the hope that he has discovered this love and is willing to try and move on.

    This poem is great because it gets you attached to each of the characters which is very hard to do when writing poetry - to make the reader connect with them, but you did for me.

    Well done on the prompts, you pulled them together nicely and flawlessly.

    Well done :)