It took my mind when it came
This frightening illness
It made me think the darkest thoughts
& the ways I could end myself.
This terrible thing
Struck at the worst of times
& caused me to hate myself even more.
I sought relief in the worst of things
The beauty of red flowing down my arm.
To me it was beautiful
It showed me I was alive
That I was breathing
Giving me life again.
I had felt dead for so long
So broken for so much time
I thought I needed the pain
To feel happy again.
The remembrance of guilt and shame
Each and every time after I hurt myself
Wasn't enough to stop me
It didn't outshine the feelings of relief
The feeling of FEELING again
The feeling of the pain running outside of my body.
This terrible illness
Took away the girl I was
& replaced her with a monster.
The beauty people had seen
Was a cover-up for the demon she had become
& a mask for the emptiness she felt.
I never want to go back
To this dark time
When I coped by cutting
& I felt absolutely nothing anymore.
When I thought I was better off gone
Because I felt worthless
& I was utterly hopeless.
Depression did not win
I am winning.
