Unwell

Wow Colm, I absolutely loved this poem! There was a darkeness to accompany the sadness that ran all throughout the poem that really stuck with me.

"You said I was becomming stuck,
or unstuck, or a reflection
of an Alice through the looking glass,"

This is a great way to start the poem. "You said," already set the mood as it is almost accusatory!

"sensed that my nature was mechanical
and that the halo you placed over me was charred
by the industrial revolution in my heart -"

This stanza was undoubtedly my favourite part of the poem. You use brilliant imagery that paints a vivid picture with things such as your nature being mechanical and having a revolution in your heart. The person the poem is addressing seems to have an understanding of the person but not an appreciation.

I particularly loved this, "the halo you placed over me was charred." I think you delved into the expectations people have of one another and painted an exquisite picture with the damaged halo. I enjoyed the religious reference here and think that it added an extra dimension to your poem. Brilliant!

"You were frightened to kiss the dragon
That I had become (in your eyes) goodnight -
and as the nurse rolled you back to your room"

Here I enjoyed the image of the person with the halo suddenly becoming a dragon and a frightening one at that. A huge fall from grace to say the least. Great use of contrasts to highlight your point. It works really well.

I swallowed, and stood, and struggled
to comprehend this world where only one of us
could still love the way things were.

This is just perfect. The emotion you portray to the reader is raw and it is wholeheartedly felt. It is relatable to anyone who has felt heartbreak of any form and that makes it extremely powerful. I had to reread this stanza a few times because it really stirred a lot of emotions in me. It takes a brilliant author and poem to do that to its reader!

My only criticism of this poem (and please take it as constructive) was the title. At first I thought I'd give it a try as it was such a simple title so I guess it did the job of attracting reader's attention. However, when I read it, it just didn't seem powerful enough in comparison to the poem. A minor detail nonetheless and it doesn't detract from the greatness of your poem.

Colm,

Wow you were given a pretty difficult prompt huh. I can't say I would know how to include black angels and kiss the dragon in any poem I write so I am very glad I haven't received this one. I shouldn't say that, you watch someone send me it now.

I felt like this poem was marked with confusion, that was the vibe it gave off and it really worked with all of these mishmash things you have to include due to the prompt. At first I found one or two things I wasn't too keen on but after reading over the piece a couple of times I see what you were attempting to do. With the two following lines I struggled at the start to comprehend exactly what you were doing but I finally got it at the end. Perhaps I'm getting old and 9:30pm is late for me.

You were frightened to kiss the dragon
That I had become (in your eyes) goodnight -

I'll let you know why I was confused here. I couldn't understand why you capitalized the 'T' of 'That', I noticed you didn't do it anywhere else. Then I started to think you did it because you were running two different ideas into one. It's like you were saying "You were frightened to kiss the dragon that I had become" and "That I had become (in your eyes) goodnight -" if this is what you were doing it was an extremely clever thing to do that interested me a whole lot. I hope future readers are able to comprehend this and they aren't as confused as I was at the start because it really is clever.

I really loved the images of mechanical and industrial being used, I kept picturing a steam-punk heart. Nice work with what I think is a really difficult prompt.

The turmoil you reveal to the reader here is distressing as well as thought-provoking... it is very dark, especially when you mention the part about the dragon. That intrigued me like you transformed into a creature she was repulsed by or that she is having delusions... maybe that was meant by where she is living? Needing nurses to assist her?

There was a such a melancholy tone throughout this. That ending struck me, like you were the level-headed one, showing compassion and heart, showing her where you could both go, yet she wouldn't take it, wouldn't accept it. She couldn't find herself so maybe she couldn't find herself with you? I adored the opening images of the confusion and the "sensed that my nature was mechanical". The revolution you mentioned made me think you could not always express the passion you felt... were you wanting to speak out against something? Also made me think something in you changed, your thoughts grew drastic and you wanted to embrace more of life, whether that meant more adventures or challenging what we all come to believe and accept.

Intriguing piece! The prompts seem very simple but you have intricately woven many self-reflective thoughts in this, especially between the lines of these two past (lovers?) people. Well done, loved reading :]