He Could Only Watch

He watched me as I fell into a deep depression.
He was the first to know when I had taken something so sharp to my body.
I never meant to hurt him, I was only trying to hurt myself.
I guess sometimes people care enough about you, and you don't even realize how much they do.
I thought that I would be able to stop on my own, that I had enough strength to just say one day, "I'm done".
I wasn't strong enough though.
He saw me swirl into an addiction that grew worse and worse.
I told him I was going to get better, that things would change- I didn't believe myself though and I'm sure he didn't either.
The cuts got deeper and the nights got sadder, each conversation was negative and I couldn't stop.
The days clean kept going to 0 instead of reaching a week or more.
I was caught up in something I thought was helping me, when really it was breaking me more than I could have imagined.
If I could go back right now, I would've never made that first cut in the shower, tears streaming down my face mouthing, "I'm sorry".
If only someone would've been there to talk me out of it, if only.
He began to get disinterested with me, he said, "You changed"
I thought I had not changed at all, I denied those words.
He was right though.
100% completely true, I had changed.
I went from this semi-broken girl who could put a smile on her face and be happy sometimes without the thoughts getting to her, to a girl who was dark, depressed, and couldn't stop an addiction that overtook her.
He saw me fall more and more and I know it broke him too.
He told me how helpless he felt that he couldn't be there to help me, that he couldn't take it away from me.
I look back on it all now, I will never stop apologizing to him for everything I put him through.
I was a monster, I still am, but I'm finding myself.
With the help of counseling, medicine, and family I am recovering.
I've relapsed once since the start of recovery, but that just showed me how much I don't miss it anymore.
I am becoming stronger than the things that try to kill me.
I just hope one day I can show him that I am recovered at one point, that his girl he fell in love with is the person he met so long ago.