Comments : Better even than odd

  • 11 years ago

    by DarkKnight

    Very sweet and sad x

  • 11 years ago

    by TSI25

    "Takes two halves to make a whole
    Takes two hearts to make a soul,
    Takes two hands to touch and hold."

    I think the above phrasing could be a lot more powerful if rearranged slightly. "soul" is a much more powerful note to end on than "holding" as it has connotations that deal with human mortality and identity, whereas holding is so temporary and surface - almost benign. this doesnt mean its bad, just the lines read discordantly in terms of power. maybe try it thustly...

    "Takes two hands to touch and hold,"
    Takes two halves to make a whole,
    Takes two hearts to make a soul."

    With two faces, two smiles apart
    Unfold with two eyes, two ears at heart.
    Two years now, time to finish what we've start.

    ^^^ above would be amazing if it were slightly more proper, the ending of the third line should be "started", and i realize that doesnt fit with the rhyme scheme, but the grammatical error of it was a bit jarring to me. maybe reassess the rhyme used?

    To laugh, to smile, to have fun,
    Now to see that we are done.
    Two goodbyes are better than one.

    very very good. i like the nuance of WHY two goodbyes are better than one, leaving a relationship on an even footing perhaps... or perhaps simply being happy a relationship didnt end with a death...

    Two teardrops just happen to run.
    Two is never odd nor too much,
    And do hope that we can still keep in touch.

    the connection between "odd" and "much" lost me, im not sure why they are relevant enough to be included on the same line. the final line was a little lengthy, i beleive it could be shortened... perhaps smething like... "Lets hope that we can keep in touch" would knock two syllables off and help the flow of the poem.

    sorry for the harsh criticisms and nitpicky-ness on this comment, im doing it because i really think the poem has potential, and that just telling you its good without telling you how it can be made better would be a tragic disservice to you.

    • 11 years ago

      by Gwen

      I never really looked at it that way as of rearranging it. but it does seem to sound alot better, thanks for the comment