Lost At Sea

I ran tonight.

I ran until my heart pounded not only in
my chest but also in my head and ears. I
ran until I couldn't breathe and I was
doubled over gasping for breath; plastered
from head to toe in the falling torrential
rain. And yet even looking like I'd just gotten
out of the shower, and completely silent,
the tears were still clearly noticeable and
clear for all to see.

For I wasn't running to a clear destination,
simply away from the pain of losing you. I've
spent the last three nights sleeping clutching
your picture to my chest and tears streaming
down my cheeks while I feel my heart
breaking inch by inch, crack by crack. I don't
know how long I sat with my fingers gently
brushing over your face or how many times
I whispered that I missed you, loved you.

My heart broke even further each time that
I planted a kiss upon your smiling happy
image, because..I can't do it for real.
I can't hold you in my arms and share in
your joys and whisper to you how much
I love you when I tuck you in at night.
It's been over four months since you slept
in your own bed and yet it remains exactly
the same. I can't bear to change it you see.

Instead,I sit by your empty bedside
with constant tears as I inhale your
ever fading scent. And tonight it all
became too much and I ran and ran
and ran. I wanted to run until I lost
myself, only then when I stopped;
gasping for breath I realised I didn't
need to run to lose myself.

For without you I'm already lost.
So again I picked up my pace and ran
some more, cutting myself off
from the pain.

I've been told often to let emotions in, to
welcome them, embrace them. But I simply
can't do it anymore. Because what happens
when the pain overwhelms you and it's
simply too much to handle? What happens
when your ship has sunk and your life jacket
is floating out of hands reach?
What happens when;

you can't find your way back and you
don't know who you are anymore