Comments : Untitled

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    You woke up to my words and I slept to yours,
    and all we ever shared together dwindled somewhere
    far more magical than dreams; far off and tragical
    on digital seams that which we thought could handle
    with care and attach them like two ends of a necklace.

    - love the opening line, I think it shows the bond between the two people, they help you fall asleep with their soothing calming voice, and you wake them up with yours. It shows that the relationship was deep and strong. I also really liked the use of the necklace here to show the attaching of two ends, that was a brilliant idea.

    So that's what I did.

    Emotionally manipulated you into thinking
    that we were forged from the same iron,
    until all you could magnetize was
    me
    me
    me.

    - I like how you took this idea further, and then went on to detail the reader with more info. I get a sense of betrayal here, like the manipulation was a plan and a pretend face to get what you wanted.

    I needed someone to make me feel beautiful and expensive.

    - I think this line works really powerfully on its own. It shows the deepest part of our insecurity sometimes and what we think/feel that we need in order to feel better.

    It's been a year since my prediction of you
    falling for me, or maybe vice versa, and today
    I'm claiming the trophy of which I'm not sure
    whether it's the first, the second, or the last.

    - I like the idea of the trophy here, it fits in well with the story and I also like how you cannot determine which place it is, and the confusion here stands out really well.

    I'll blame myself for not knowing the difference
    between loneliness and love,
    but that doesn't stop me from being disappointed
    at your tactlessness, the way you confessed to me
    with three days of planning versus my
    threehundredsixtyfive days of saving you
    in spite of the same amount of nights I spent
    wondering how you could become the sacrifice
    to keep my nemesis in favour.

    - there is so much in this little verse. The year counted as days is powerful and the way you laid the wording out, also how you give him they days but you take the nights from the year also. I adore the difference between loneliness and love here, I think this relates to when people feel so lonely they find any love to comfort them, even when they know it is not really love.

    All you've left me is a well-deserved amount
    of guilt, and sadness, and a poem
    without ending, fame
    or name,

    and I can't even utter a word
    to do either of us justice
    anymore.

    - I think I like this ending because for me, it shows the responsibility of your part in the story, I see 2 people who thought they could love each other but perhaps they never did, they just were both lonely. But I get a deeper feeling that one of the people soon believed in the love but the other person didn't. And this is wher the hurt and confusin comes in.

    Really deep poem, honest and raw with emotions.

    I connected to this and felt some strong relation to it.

    Well done. As for a title, I like what you done by calling it unnamed, and then mentioning int he poem that they left you with a poem unnamed. Well done.