Comments : Drapetomania

  • 11 years ago

    by Baby Rainbow

    Feet become fireflies in the night
    of hushing, rushing chaos, birds
    remain as night stalkers,
    while I reside
    to flee from the moon,
    for it urges me to sing
    in the forest with my
    ancestors.

    - I got a bit confused as to what you meant in the beginning and stumbled over the first few lines, I think the problem is just the punctuation so I suggest the following:

    Feet become fireflies in the night
    of hushing, rushing chaos. Birds...

    - I think it breaks the images up better as I felt the sentence didn't flow as one with the comma there, I got 2 separate messages but the comma implied it was still part of the same message.

    Samhain memories become
    a flame of passion, keeping
    the beast at bay, before the
    first dawning of light.

    - the wording here is really dark and mysterious, yet at the same time, there is a sense of comfort that peace has been stored until dawn?

    I nestle in comfort of October
    keeping still within whispers,
    running away with my love in dreams
    of eternal sleep..

    - I would add in the before comfort, the comfort of October and also add in a comma after October.

    A very sad tone to end with, like the only peace you can imagine is that of death. It really does imply about mental health and how deep the pain can be and how much it can consume us.

    nicely written poem, and a unique take on the title.