Sssh, listen to me, I want to confide in you.
I need to tell you something, I don't know what to do.
Promise you won't laugh. Promise you won't tell.
Something terrible's happening. I'm really going through Hell.
It's something very scary, something best not said,
But I need you to held me, cause I wish I was dead.
You probably won't know him, when I tell you his name.
You'll say, 'who the **** is that?' I said much the same.
But you do know him. You've seen him a thousand times,
With his pale hen-pecked face and his down-trodden blood-hound eyes.
And you've heard that interminable catch phrase blurted from the screen
On every turgid, unfunny, self satisfied sit-com you've ever seen ...
'Uh oh, I'm dead!'
'You're just getting older', snapped my wife in a rage,
'You've got a few wrinkles, it happens at your age.'
'No' I insisted, 'that's really not it.'
'Oh for goodness sake,' she said, ' you're just an old git.'
'I'm scared', I said trembling, 'he was there again this morning
Staring back at me in the mirror.' She just stood there yawning.
The Receptionist:
She'd perfected that snotty 'I'm more important than you' voice.
Do you pick them like that? Is that your choice?
'Doctor is very busy,' she said rather haughty,
Making me feel like a schoolboy who'd been naughty.
'If you tell me the nature of your complaint
He will call you back if he can see you.'
'Well,' I said, my voice sounding faint,
'It's all a bit personal.'
'Go on', she said, like she'd heard it all before,
'Well', I said, 'I don't want to be a bore...
But I keep thinking I might be turning into someone else....'
And I started to cry.
'Who is it?' she asked with a very bored sigh.
'Godfrey Parker', I said, waiting for the snigger,
'Godfrey Parker? Who the **** ...?' her voice was getting bigger.
'He's in a lot of sit-coms' I quickly said,
'His latest one is called "Middle Age Spread"'
'Ahh,' she said, 'him who says "uh oh I'm dead"?'
'Exactly,' I muttered, there was no turning back.
'Oh dear,' she said, 'the doctor will call you straight back.'
'Oh for goodness sake, Godfrey,' my wife was getting cross
The way she does when she wants to show me who's the boss.
'What did you call me?' I asked with some alarm.
Her eyebrows knit together like she wants to do me harm.
'What are you talking about?' she sounded very grave,
'Godfrey, you called me Godfrey, but my names' Dave.'
'Don't be ridiculous, of course I didn't. Now, make yourself scarce please,
The ladies from the WI are waiting for their teas.'
'But you're not in the WI,' I said, 'what's this all about?'
The veins stood up on her neck as she began to shout
'GODFREY!' she boomed, getting redder and redder,
'Uh oh,' I said, 'I'm deader and deader.'
